Lost

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRXO77hJGKA

Dear Kellsie,

I hate the emphasis the United States puts on our education system. I get it, we don't want to be a bunch of dumb asses, I really do. But calm the hell down. Seriously. Calm yourself.

People are worth so much more than their GPA. In the long run, it doesn't matter what you did in your high school classroom. It doesn't matter what activities you were involved in. No one gives a fuck if you were student body president or prom queen or whatever gives you a bump up on the social ladder. Let me say it again because I feel like it's crucial people understand this: No. One. Gives. A. Fuck. No one. Everyone is so worried about what they are doing and how they look that they don't give you a second glance. Stop worrying about what other people think and focus on yourself. In the end, you have to spend the rest of your life with who you are, not who you think everyone else wants you to be.

I wish we could be a little bit more like children. When you ask a little kid what they want to be when they grow up, they rarely hesitate. They don't think "well, I'd like to be a princess, but the logistics just really aren't working out in my favor." They don't think like that because it doesn't cross their mind that they "can't." They know they're amazing and they can do anything so they look you right in the eye and tell you what they're going to be. They know what they want and that they have no boundaries or limitations and they fucking own it. They're also happy. Like, all the damn time. Their little minds go a mile a minute and they live with no fear and no regrets. Why can't we all be like that? At what point in our lives do we become convinced we "can't?" When do we go from princess to store manager? Is it school? What our parents end up telling us? Reality hitting just a bit too hard? We go from "follow your dreams" to "make money" in the blink of an eye. I wish I were the type of person to live fearlessly and dive in head first. It's never too late to change, but we rarely ever do. Why? Why is that?

Sincerely,
Alice.

Second Again

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXYSD65UpSg

Dear Kellsie,

I'm buzzed right now. Then again, what else is new? I rely on alcohol to keep me happy in a way nothing else can. It's not just the buzz that I like though. No, I like the clarity of it. I know that seems backwards, since it messes with your head, but it gives me courage and strength and a sense of what I really want. When I'm drunk, I say exactly what I mean. My thoughts and head aren't in the way anymore. I like to drink for so many reasons, but my primary one is that I finally have the balls to say what I mean without fear.

Jake never invites me over. We had this huge fight about how he always comes over to my place, but then he never invites me to his. The thing is, his roommate constantly has girls over. Sometimes, his roommate will have girls over and Jake will invite his guy friend over to hang out. It's like they have this high school party and I'm the only chick left out, which is ironic considering the fact that I'm the one who sucks his dick but whatever. I'm a second choice again. How refreshing.

I went to this event with a speaker that all the sorority girls had to go to. At the end, this athlete came out and took off his shirt to convince the girls to go to the football games. As I've said in the past, I'm extremely loyal. I didn't even look at the guy, even though all the girls were screaming. I have no interest in someone who isn't mine, so I didn't care. But Jake got mad at me anyway. Today, his roommate posted a video of Jake watching a TV show with a lot of female nudity and they were laughing about seeing tits. Classy. Funny how the rules only apply to me.

I drank vodka tonight specifically because I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore. My head wants nothing to do with it. My heart hates being alone. My head knows I'm being treated like shit and that this whole thing isn't working anymore. My heart hates being alone. My head says "no, you're riding for five hours each way for Thanksgiving together, don't make that awkward." My heart says, "please don't leave me alone." I don't know what to do. I don't want a repeat of junior year where I go around fucking with random guys because I have no self-esteem. My best friends are both single. Maybe we could all have fun together. Maybe I need to get over my fear.

I'm still in the business school, which is good because I need to make my own money so I don't rely on Jake too much. Right now Jake and his roommate have about four people over. It looks like a lot of fun, from what his roommate showed me. The one time I was invited over was when Jake's guy friend was there and invited me. I hate being a second choice. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Mistake

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ

Dear Kellsie,

It's been getting bad again lately. I know I am surrounded by people, but I feel so alone all the time. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it. You just don't get it, you'll never understand it, but I guess that's something I should be grateful for; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I really wouldn't. One of my main issues is that I have a hard time reaching out to people. But you already knew that. Instead of pulling people I should love closer to me in my time of need, I push them away. I'm sorry. Blinded by my own pain, I hurt you. Last night was the worst I've had in a while. For the first time in months, I self-harmed. Scissors on my right hip, a sweet spot with thin skin so I feel the pain right away. It was almost like I was on auto-pilot; I didn't really think about what I was doing or what it meant, before I knew it I was bleeding and trying to pull myself together.

Sunday night was date night for us. Ever since you started working, I've been on the backburner more than ever before. You know how much I hate being a second choice; I've been everyone's backup for seventeen years, I want more than that, especially from you. I guess it's my fault for breaking up with you. Before we broke up, you were the perfect boyfriend. That's not even a hyperbole, you were honestly that good. You called exactly when you said you would, gave me all the love and affection a girl could want while still giving me my own space, and were loyal and faithful. But, in case you haven't heard by now, I'm sick. I went off my medication because they make me feel nauseous and I was tired of being the "crazy" girl who took six pills a night, so I cut them out. I thought I could handle it, but it was a mistake, to say the least. I messed around while we were broken up. I know you did too, but you only did it because I pushed you away so much and told you to move on. I did it even though we were still talking as friends because I was so lonely and wanted attention from someone less perfect. God, how messed up is that? 

Ever since we got back together, you haven't been the same. Neither have I though, I guess. When we went out on Sunday, we smoked and were messing around in the back seat of your car. I told you I didn't want to have sex. My excuse was that I wasn't in the mood but the truth is, I was feeling down and had the ultimate dilemma a depressed person can have: I wanted to be left alone, but didn't want you to leave me alone. So what did I do? Well, you know what happened next. It hurt, god it hurt so badly, but I just wanted you to have fun, I didn't want you to leave me. You promised me that after we did it we'd go back to your place, eat food, and you would hold me. That was before I made the crucial mistake of crying during sex though, even though, even though I couldn't keep my eyes from tearing up from the pain. I scared you or made you uncomfortable or accidentally pushed you away; it's what I do best. After that, you told me to leave. All of a sudden you had a ton of "homework" to do. I went to that private school for my first two years of high school. I know how miserable it is and how the workload never lessens, but that was a sad excuse of a lie and we both know it.

Now you wonder why I've been so distant, why I'm always keeping you at arm's-length. Maybe it's true that I'm a messed up cynic, but you can't say that I don't have good reasons, not after what happened that night. I let you in, literally and figuratively, and I paid the price. I had already been feeling down and now it's almost as bad as it used to be. I can't sleep, even less than usual, so I get out of bed and do random stuff in my room, like cut. It's unhealthy. It's painful. It's sad and it's terrible. I do not recommend it for anyone. But for me? It's nothing more than another bad habit.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Bad Habit

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE

Dear Kellsie,

I know this is going to come as a huge surprise, but whenever things get bad or hard, I run. Like, fast and far. This goes for just about everything: relationships, school, extracurriculars, etc.

Last Friday night, I was hanging out in Jake's room with him and his roommate, Tom. We were all messing around and doing homework and then Tom had some girls over to help them with homework. I don't care if Jake hangs out with other girls, I really don't. That is, of course, assuming he doesn't lie about it or flirt with them, but I don't think that's too much to ask of a three year long relationship. Anyway, Jake asked this girl about her tattoo on her upper thigh and was looking at her legs for a long time. Spoiler: I am super self-conscious of my legs, I fucking hate them. Anyway, this was just after he lied about his "study session" with the girl I hate. I was going to sleep over that night, but Tom invited another one of his friends over to get high, which I don't care about at all; you do you. Jake said he was going to help me with my math homework, but then he and Tom started playing video games while I did business homework, so I left.

To give you some back story, Jake and I had just had a huge fight the night before. Also, I was in a shitton of pain because I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst that burst. Also, I took a codine that was fucking with my head. Due to these facts, excuse me, excuses, I left. I didn't want to deal with the human interaction it would take to finish the night and was pissed Jake was looking at that girl's tattoo for a long time. I was upset he didn't give me much attention. I was anxious and frustrated and in pain, so I left.

Today, I woke up to Tom's snapchat story of a girl in their room, who was obviously under an influence of some sort. Jake was there too, and was laughing at whatever she said and talking with them. Innocent enough, sure. It's just funny, because he told me he might invite me over if he got home early enough from his frat stuff. He said I never ask to come over, so I did, and he said maybe, which is fine. But then he never invited me over. Then there was a random girl in their room. Later on in Tom's snapchat story, Jake's friend was in his room too, and the girl was gone. Again, I never got a call or anything.

Jake said I overreact to everything, so I straight up asked him why he never invited me over and he told me it was because I fell asleep. Y'all. I fell asleep because I pulled an all-nighter the night before because we were fighting. He said I never came over or showed any effort, so I walked at four in the morning to see him. It was dark and cold and I thought I saw a creeper in a ski mask coming toward me (don't worry, it was just bad lighting). He knows I hate walking alone in the dark, but told me I could come anyway and made me feel guilty by saying "I know you won't." I rarely turn down a challenge. Anyway, I was tired and fell asleep at like eleven at night. It's just funny, again, because he got mad at me one time when I said I'd come over and didn't because he was asleep. Keep in mind, when I didn't come over, it was because it was late, like three in the morning, and he had an early class. I was trying to be nice, but I still got shit for it for weeks after. Oh, but when he does it, it's okay.

I don't think Jake would ever cheat on me in the traditional sense. For example, I don't think he'd just openly fuck another girl behind my back. But I do think he'd cheat on me emotionally, which doesn't really make sense I know. But I think he'd get the loving, sweet, funny shit from someone else that he's not getting from me. It's really sad, but when I saw that girl in his room, I was jealous. No, not because she's a girl, but because she made him laugh. I can't remember the last time Jake and I flirted and laughed together like we were best friends or even just dating. I try to make him laugh, I really do, and I know I can make guys laugh, because I've done it at parties or, if you think it's the alcohol, then I've made guys in my classes laugh before too. I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, which was problematic when I was younger, but now people understand it more and think I'm funny once they get to know me. But not Jake. I was jealous because here was this girl in his room, when he didn't invite me over, and they were laughing and having a good time. I understand that girls make their guy friends laugh, but it just made me sad to see her doing what I obviously can't anymore. The worst part is that I can't tell Jake any of this, because I'm afraid of him dumping me, which is not a good place to be in. I can't tell him I have a problem with him, because I'm on thin ice. And I can't make him laugh, because he takes my teasing as an insult now. What am I, his annoying six year old cousin?

I do not feel good about my relationship. The way Jake is feeling is how I've been feeling for months. It just sucks because he was always the one who was so sure of our relationship. He kept me sane and grounded and in line. He always made things better and made sure we were together. If he's out, then I'm done for good. If he is questioning our relationship, I'm in serious danger. I'm losing the only one who's ever really taken me in and cared about me. I've been a second choice my whole life until I met Jake and he made me feel wanted. I'll survive, I always do. It just sucks losing your rock. He wants me to be better, but keeps fucking around. It feels like what he really means is that he wants me to sit down and take whatever shit he does and that when I get mad, I'm crazy and he won't put up with it anymore. Do you know what would help though? If Jake were just honest and actually talked to me. If I didn't have to find out who he's with and what he's doing from other people. If he recognized everything I did and that I am truly doing my best. If we could go back in time and I could make him treat me the way he's used to. I know, that last one's kind of crazy but I figured since this is all hypothetical shit that's never going to happen, I might as well go all out.

Sincerely,
Alice.

The Perfect Girl

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfNVawIw9TM

Dear Kellsie,

I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.

A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.

Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.

From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.

My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Selfish

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_aCcG6SjH4

Dear Kellsie,

I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.

This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.

The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.

Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.

Sincerely,
Alice.

The Longest Time

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4AkBdlzcpU

Dear Kellsie,

Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.

This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.

To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.

For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Bad Call

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4

Dear Kellsie,

With the whole "you don't love Jake" drunken thing come to light, I've started thinking. Like, more than the usual amount. Was it just because I was drunk, or was there truth behind it? I haven't talked about this in a while, because it was a terrible time in my life, but Jake and I did briefly break up last year. I went on the rebound and hooked up with two guys. Breaking up with Jake and what I did while we were broken up is the biggest mistake I have ever made.

Now that we're back together and in college, though, things have been better. Well, at least my sober self thinks so. I went to one of Jake's frat's parties and met a guy there, Rogelio. We talked while Jake played beer pong and had been talking as friends; there were no issues, it was just good old-fashioned platonic friendship. Then, as I always do when things are good, I fucked up. I got drunk at my friend's birthday party and instead of calling Jake for a ride, I called Rogelio. In my defense, I knew Jake was hanging out with some actives and that he doesn't have a car, so I didn't want to bug him. Still, I should have called him or at least talked to him and kept him updated on what was happening.

Megan, my sorority sister, Rogelio, and I all went to get insomnia cookies and went back to my room to play uno, my favorite game of all time. After that night, Rogelio talked to me more than usual and we hung out at the library with some other people until about four in the morning, without Jake. Then, I went to Jake's frat's Halloween party. Rogelio was there and we took a photo together, but didn't dance or anything. The next day, Rogelio sent me the photo of us and said my outfit was on point. Keep in mind my outfit was a slutty costume. He started getting flirty, so I told Jake about it and he got pissed. This made sense. I mean, I had been kind of sketchy and who likes it when their frat brother hits on their girlfriend? Needless to say, I stopped talking to Rogelio.

I'm just confused now. When I was talking to Rogelio and he got flirty, I didn't care. I mean, it bugged me, because he knew I had a boyfriend and that my boyfriend is his frat brother, but I didn't have feelings for him at all or even enjoy the attention. Right before Jake and I broke up, I was getting hit on by some guys and I felt guilty because I liked it. I liked that someone besides my boyfriend of one year at the time was into me. So I broke up with Jake. But that's not how this is. I feel safe in my relationship and don't want anyone else. I don't have feelings for anyone else and can't imagine life without Jake. But does someone who's happy in their relationship tell their friends they don't love their boyfriend while they're drunk? If I really were happy, wouldn't I be crazy about him while I was drunk and be all over him? Then I start to think: do I call him dumb and say that stuff because of my personality or because the truth comes out when I'm drunk? I have no idea and it's driving me nuts.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Another One

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4ixCtzUBoo

Dear Kellsie,

Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.

I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.

I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?

I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Tonight

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc4lvUeM0sE

I love when you sneak in
And pin me against the wall
This beautiful sin
What happens when our clothes fall

Our dirty little secret
Only for you and me to share
I don't expect you to keep it
Not after you pull my hair

Come over late tonight

Make me beg for it

Fuck me until the morning light
You're my perfect fit

Silence except our moans

Give them something to hear

I love when you groan

Right in this moment I have no fear

Personal Problem

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyy3YOpxL2k&list=RDBimd2nZirT4&index=2

Dear Kellsie,

I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.

Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?

You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.

I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Second Chance

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIw7RAfYgI8

Dear Kellsie,

Today was a good day. After I transferred to public school junior year of high school, I cut pretty much everyone out of my life except Jake, because it was just easier that way. I never knew how much I was missing out on until I came to college.

Now I have friends. No, I don't think they have my back no matter what. They aren't as good as you are to me, but I don't think I'll ever find a friendship like ours. That's okay, though, because I do have you and all you really need in life is one person, one person you can count on no matter what, and I'm glad my person is you. For now, though, we're at different colleges, but I have people I can spend my free time with so I'm not so lonely all the time like I used to be.

Joining a sorority was a good call; maybe the best decision I've ever made. The friendships and doors it's already opened for me is more than I could have ever asked for. I feel supported and wanted more now than I can remember ever being in the past. I go out to frat parties and talk to random people and enjoy being young and carefree now, while I can. I've even made friends at frat parties who remember my name the next morning and talk to me like I'm a human, not just a toy they want to use and throw away. Jake and I are good right now and I feel safe withh him again, for the first time in a long time.

I can't remember ever being as happy as I am right now. I've got my meds straight, I sleep through the night, and I am eating three meals a day, even with snacks in between. This seems to trivial to healthy people but for me, it's a huge deal to be able to simply function as a healthy human being. It means so much to me to have some control over my life and to feel wanted. Not just wanted by Jake, but by friends and family. I push people away like I want space, that's why I cut so many people out. When they get too close, I ignore them until they stop caring about me. But now, I want to be wanted and I'm not afraid to go out and get what makes me feel good. I'm not even talking about drugs or alcohol, but the comfort of a friend after a long day or just a study buddy at the library before a big exam.

In the past, when people would invite me to go out or just chill, I'd say no. My bed was my comfort zone and I liked it that way. I liked to think I didn't need anyone else and that I was fine by myself. The thing is, I don't want to be "fine" anymore. I want to really live, not just survive and keep my head above water, so I am. When my friends invite me out or in, I say yes, without even really thinking about it. I guess that now, since I'm in college, I don't really have a comfort zone. Staying in my bed all day just seems boring to me. Don't get my wrong, I love a good "GYST" (get your shit together) day as any other girl, but not nearly as often as I used to. I enjoy being around other people and doing things that used to be out of reach for my dark, disturbed mind. I even sign up for things I never would have imagined, knowing I could fail, but not fearing it, either. I applied for Jr. Panhellenic council and, get this, I made it. The old Alice would never have gone out for it because, first of all, I wouldn't have believed I could have done it. Second of all, if, by some "miracle," I did make it, I would have hated being committed to something. I'm in a sorority, on Jr. Pan, and have an interview for a CA position tomorrow. I see myself having a future; something I literally and honestly couldn't see before, and I am so excited for it; something I never thought I would.

I still take my meds, even on really good days, because I feel like I still need them, but the point is that I don't rely on them like I used to. I feel healthy and confident and safe. I was surprised and worried at how good I felt at the beginning of college. What was that weird feeling, and would it last? I was so unused to this feeling that I didn't really even recognize what it was. I know it seems dumb or inexplicable to healthy people, but I didn't know what being happy felt like, I really didn't. I know it won't last forever, but that's okay. I obviously still have down days, but they aren't as deep as they used to be, and the good days are better than they've ever been. I'm happy, and I'm not even as scared of it as I was. I embrace it and I appreciate it more than ever now, because I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. It's like I died in the past. I was physically functioning, but my mind and soul had given up on me. Not anymore, though. No longer will I be a victim to the prison that is my mind. This is my life and I'm finally taking it back.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Fight Night

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtNS1afUOnE


Dear Kellsie,

I just can't seem to find happiness, no matter where I look. Even when things are good, they lack something I can't put my finger on.

Jake and I had a huge fight on Friday. We had been having small squabbles for days and it finally accumulated into a huge blowout. We talked about breaking up, I hung up on him multiple times, and no "I love you's" were uttered, neither meant nor empty.  The next day, we both apologized and agreed to stay together. By Saturday night, we were fighting again, the same argument being tossed around in circles again and again. I got up and left his room and headed back to mine. I kept stopping and looking back, hoping to see him chasing after me, but I guess that only happens in rom-coms. I finally got to my bed, alone except for the mosquito bites on my arms from waiting at dusk for too long.

About an hour later, I texted Jake, asking him to come over so we could at least talk. He said he would, but when I asked when, he told me he was with his friend out running errands and didn't know for sure yet. This just upset me further. It's really hard to make plans with Jake, because he's a pledge in a fraternity, so his schedule is largely controlled by the whim of his actives. Saturday night was supposed to be time for us though; something set aside just for us. So, when he said he'd already made alternate plans, I was hurt.

I guess it was my fault, for leaving, but I just needed an hour to clear my head before spending all night with him. We were supposed to watch "Zoo" on Netflix and eat McDonald's and have sex and just have a good time in my room, since I have my own door to lock and no roommate. But, since he had just gotten back from a retreat, he was tired and wanted to sleep, so I gave him three hours to sleep and then went to his room when he woke up so we could watch TV there. When I got there, he just wanted to nap again, which annoyed me because I was invited to two other events I could have gone to while he was sleeping and instead was wasting my time while he napped and I was wide awake, so I thought I was justified in leaving.

He finally did come over, though, about four hours after our phone call, and brought McDonald's as a peace offering. I had just eaten, but ate it anyway to show my acceptance of our pitiful truce. We had sex and everything was fine. Just fine, like it always is. This is true love, ladies and gentlemen, my night in shining armor. I guess I should be more grateful, at least he was trying, which is more than I can say. I just can't shake this feeling that something isn't right. I don't know what it is or how to fix it, so I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing for now. Do you want to know something really funny? This post was supposed to be positive. I can't even be happy in my writing.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Love of My Life

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPJNt1eTVNY

Tell me you love me
When we're between the sheets
I'm not who you want me to be
We share nothing but cold feet

Tell me what I want to hear
Hold me tight
Kiss my ear
Make me fight

Tell me I'm your everything
Even though you don't care
You have nothing to bring
It's just not fair

Tell me you love me
And maybe one day I won't have to try
Why can't you see
We both know it's a lie
When you tell me you love me

No Easy Fix

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmFWkq1fHmM

Dear Kellsie,

You know that one person who walks into a room and lights the whole place up? The one who everyone loves, their laugh is contagious, and they have absolutely no problem fitting in with whoever they're around? Yeah, that's not me. I absolutely dread meeting new people. I don't "do" small talk or fake people. I just don't have the time or energy for it, and I don't understand how so many people thrive in that environment, I really don't.

This makes it really hard for people to like me sometimes, and I can't say I blame them. As a result, I feel unwanted all the time. I understand that I am the problem here. Trust me, self-blame and hate are not foreign to me. I know I cause more problems than solutions and I guess that's fine because it just is the way it is. I've accepted it; I'm tired of constantly trying to change who I am to fit in. Fuck it. It's exhausting and extremely unfulfilling. It's also very, very, very lonely.

The truth is that I wish I were different. I wish I could roll out of bed feeling great and ready to face the day. I wish I didn't have to take three prescriptions and six pills a day just so I didn't want to leave this world. But I do. I do have to actively try to make sure I make eye contact when I talk to someone. I have to forcibly focus on the conversation in order to formulate a response that doesn't make me feel absolutely stupid, and even then half the time I mess it up.

People just don't like me. I've never been the first pick for anything except athletics. That seems backwards, since most kids on the playground would love to be me in that situation, but what I mean is that I'm no one's first choice. When my friends go out, they get a group together and maybe add me at the end as an afterthought. I was "in" with the popular crowd for a bit in high school, but that was only because people loved my brother and my friend at the time knew one of the "cool" girls. I didn't exactly make it on my own. Being the one nobody thinks of first was and is still unbearable. Let's just say guys don't go crazy over the loner in the corner. By some act of god, or maybe hell froze over and pigs began to fly without my knowledge, but I started dating someone. We've been together about three years now and I still feel alone.

So tell me, does it ever get better? Easier? Less painful? I'll take anything at this point. I thought a boyfriend would mean less sadness. I thought it'd give me someone to count on; someone who was mine and all mine and who wanted me to be theirs and just theirs. That's not how it works, though. Life goes on, just with another person. We do our own things, and are lucky to have an extra moment here and there for things that I may or may not want to be doing at the time. I'm still lonely; I just have one less excuse to be.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Leave.

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bimd2nZirT4&list=RDBimd2nZirT4

Dear Kellsie,

It was never supposed to be like this. Usually when I have a problem, I know where it comes from and either can find a way to fix it, or figure out how to accept it. This isn't the case right now. I am hurt and alone and empty and have no idea how to fix it, or if I can even be fixed.

I hate when Jake comes over just to have sex. I hate when we have sex and he leaves afterward. But I love it so much. For a brief fifteen minutes, I have his undivided attention. For those fifteen minutes, I am all he thinks about and all he wants. For those fifteen minutes, I am not alone. After the sweat has dried and he is no longer inside me, I am as empty as ever. When he leaves, I sit on the cold tile bathroom floor and curl up in a ball. No, I do not cry. I simply take a moment and sit in the silent darkness and don't think about anything. I just let myself be.

I know it's my fault. I'm the one who asks him to come over just to fuck and then tell him to leave. Why, you may be wondering, do I ask him to come over and fuck if I don't want him to just come over and fuck me? Good question. Let me know when you figure it out. My theory, that many therapists have helped me concoct, is that I want intimacy, but don't know how to get it and get freaked out when I come close to having it. The truth is, I just want someone here. I want him to be here and I know one thing that will make him come over every time.

Once he's here, I hesitate to have sex, because I don't actually want to just have sex. I want him to talk to me and want to be here. I just want him to want me, which is something no one has ever done for me before. I've never been anyone's first pick. Then, after I eventually do give in, I want it to be over as soon as possible. It's not that it doesn't feel good, because I know it should, or that I don't like him, because I do. It's just how I am. That's all the explanation I can give you and I'm sorry because I know it's not near enough. If I understood it any better than you do I'd tell you.

I'm going to end it here because I'm tired in the worst way. I don't know what else to say. My mind is swimming and for the first time, writing doesn't even make me feel better. I had my first panic attack tonight in months. I almost forgot how draining those are. Almost.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Dear Dad

The song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoC2CRLguSo

He took the light from your eyes
The fire from your heart
The spark in your step

He called you names
Put you down
Hit you where you're weak

He shoved you against the wall
Made you feel small
The man who should have given you it all

What I Know

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ

Dear Kellsie,

I think there's a lot of negative stigma concerning mental illness that really needs to fuck off. People need to understand that it's an invisible illness. But just because it's invisible doesn't make it any less real than any other disease on earth. I've compiled a list of things that are myths, and have taken it upon myself to go ahead and clear them up for all of y'all who are too dumb to think for yourselves, so you just believe whatever bullshit the media and crappy TV shows tell you.

1.) Depression is just a "down" feeling. No. Just no. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just like how people get cancer when their bodies produce cells too quickly, depression occurs when the brain doesn't make enough "happy" chemicals quickly enough. Dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, and endorphins are a few of these. They're very, very real and backed by science. Look it up.

2.) When someone who is sick pushes you away, it's because you did something wrong. This is another big "no." As I stated before, depression is a lack of happy chemicals in the brain. Just because you are near someone when they have an episode doesn't mean you messed up. That's not to say you did; I have no idea what's going on in your life. But odds are, if someone has an episode, it has everything to do with what's happening in their head and nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally, you're not that special.

3.) Sick people are seeking attention and need to get over it, also known as the most insensitive thing you can say to someone who is struggling with a mental illness. Some people, like myself, struggled with mental illnesses for years before feeling like they could reach out for help. Reaching out for help is a good thing that should not be shamed. Would you tell someone with an infection not to go to the doctor for antibiotics because you didn't think they needed them? I sure as hell hope not. If you would, you're a terrible person and wouldn't be saying that if you were the sick one. Sometimes, if people cut in a visible place it's because they are looking for help. Not because they care what you and your over-sized ego think, but because they don't know how else to ask. Maybe they have no one to go to. Maybe they don't feel safe. Maybe the cuts feel better than the pain they feel on the inside. I don't know, and you sure as hell don't either, so don't judge. Ever. Don't do it. Only they know how they feel and even then they don't understand it completely. Offer to get them help, and then leave it up to them and tell a trusted adult. Don't put your nose in their business any more than that. This shit is hard enough as it is without people thinking it's okay to have an opinion on something they know nothing about.

4.) People with eating disorders just need to eat. Honey, if it were that simple, don't you think everyone would be perfectly healthy all the time? It's not that easy. Everyone who has struggled with an eating disorder wishes it were, but it just isn't. This specific mental illness is something I still can't put into words. My personal eating disorder is like a gnat that's been flying around for years and I just can't squash. Sometimes, I almost forget it's there. Almost; until I don't. Relationships with food is hard for anyone, but add a mental illness in and it's a hot mess. Food is more than just "fuel for the body" to someone with an eating disorder. It's so real it almost feels tangible. It's more than a feeling or "diet." It's a voice in your head constantly bringing you down and telling you you don't deserve to eat for a variety of reasons. Don't tell someone they're too thin, just like your mother (hopefully) told you not to tell people they're too fat. Don't tell them to "just eat" because there's no such thing as "just eating" when you're sick.

This list contains four main points I think are issues. Four points out of I don't even know how many if I had the time to think about it. Of course, this is my own personal opinion from my own personal experiences. It doesn't apply to every sick person and isn't specific to everyone's lives. But one thing I feel very strongly about is being kind to everyone. You don't know what they've been through. Even if you've been through a similar illness or even the same one, everyone takes things and sees things differently, so don't tell them you know what they're going through because you don't. Most people can't even fathom what it's like to be sick and I am genuinely happy about that. I hope you don't understand it. I hope you never do. Because this illness, these illnesses, are something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Love

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB6oIdz_ZXo

Dear Kellsie,

"People do crazy things for love." That's what "they" say, but I don't think it's true. Take this with a grain of salt since we all know how I feel about what love is, if it's even real, but still, I don't think people do much of anything for love at all. For happiness, yes. For self-fulfillment, definitely. But love? Not so much.

I mean really, though, think about it. What makes people happy? Money, sex, and puppies, sure. But what feelings make people feel happy? Feeling wanted, feeling close to others, a good, old-fashioned orgasm; all things that are best when they come from other people. So, when people do things for "love," what they're really doing are things that will ultimately benefit themselves.

Love isn't selfless. Love isn't unbreakable. Love isn't timeless or classic or endless or anything "they" tell you. Love is selfish. Love is fragile. Love ultimately comes to an end. Yes, love is powerful, but only in the worst way. When someone tells you they love you, they don't love who you are; they love what you can do for them, what you have to offer them. When you no longer serve a useful purpose, they cut you out, kick you to the curb. Love is a lot of things. Love is not a lot of things. I don't know exactly what love is. But one thing I'm sure of? Love is a bitch.

Sincerely,
Alice.

What Could Be

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOCRRF4BRuU

Dear Kellsie,

Growing up is hard. People weren't joking when they told us that when we were little. But no one told me about the war that I would wage within my own self. The bottom line is: life is just too goddam short to waste hating yourself and your surroundings or honestly, anything in general.

Say the things you want to say. Yes, you'll say some stupid shit, but you'll also say some amazing things and who knows, you may just end up saving someone. Go for that run you've been procrastinating. But also eat that extra slice of cake. Just fucking eat it. Live for yourself and absolutely no one else. Do what you want. Don't hurt other people in the process, but don't go out of your way trying to impress people, either. Odds are, three years from now or less, they'll be irrelevant to you anyway. Strive for your goals. Get your hopes up and shoot for the stars. I hate using cheesy cliches, but you truly may just grab the moon.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to do what you want. Be yourself and enjoy this crazy, messed up ride. It's terrifying and risky, yes, but it's also beautiful. So many people's ride get cut short. So many people don't have the opportunities you do, so don't ever waste them or take them for granted. I'm not saying it's not okay to be sad or throw the occasional pity-party, because it is. Let yourself feel that sadness to the largest degree. Feel all your emotions as strongly as you can. But don't let it keep you down. Life is so short and so fragile and I'd rather you have a lake of regrets with an ocean of positive memories than a drop of regret among a puddle of fond recollections. Go all out. Do it. I wish the absolute best for you and can't stand the thought of you sad. Do what I've never done. Please, just go do it. Starting right now. Not today, not tomorrow, not "later," but right this second.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Circles

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8tLS_NOWLs

Dear Kellsie,

My anxiety has been through the roof lately. You know how, when you take antibiotics to get rid of an illness, your body becomes a bit more immune to the drugs every time you take them? I wonder if the same thing happens with antidepressants. I started off really strong this year at college, but I've been in a funk for about a week now. It just seems like whatever I do, things end up badly. I feel like I'm suffocating and I just can't breathe. I'm back in the place where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things had been going so well for a while there; I almost believed it could last.

The tricky thing about depression and anxiety is that I have no "reason" to feel the way I do. I grew up in a house where I never worried where my next meal was coming from. My parents gave me food, clothing, and shelter. I was an all-district, defensive player of the year, captain of my varsity team all by the time I was a sophomore. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not the most dull, either. I was never bullied and I don't have some tragic backstory. The thing is, my brain doesn't take this into account when creating dopamine and serotonin. It doesn't care about logic or reason. I just am the way I am, and nothing can change that. Not even drugs can, as I have been finding out.

For now, I'll do the only thing that for sure helps: sleep. The only problem is that I'm an insomniac; even the simplest thing human beings do is hard for me. God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms so if you could pray for me that'd be great.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Transition

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCLBGY0huVE

Dear Kellsie,

I've really been trying to be better lately. I started spiraling into a deep hole sophomore year of high school and have been digging and clawing my way out ever since. I was always a quiet person who kept to myself, but I was also straight up with people and I think that turned people off to me. I'm sarcastic and realistic, so when people first meet me they tend to think I'm a bit of a bitch, even though I truly am not. I believe in being nice to everyone, because you never know what they're going through. I stand up for the kid being bullied and was never one to partake in picking on the odd person out. Did that keep people from pushing me down? Of course not.

One of the worst things people (namely my family) would tell me is that I'm annoying. I am not passionate about many things, so being told that I need to shut up because I'm irritating people sucks, to put it mildly. Due to the fact that I tend to be openly honest with people, I hate being the one in the dark; the one people are nice to when I'm around, then talk badly behind my back. So, what did I do about it? I changed, of course.

I shut people out. I became even more quiet than usual. I sat back and instead of living and loving my life, I became a silent observer. I watched, I noticed things that most people probably wouldn't even realize. No, that does not mean I was a stalker. I didn't eavesdrop or take notes or stare at people kissing or something illegal or whatever this may lead you to think. I simply did what I thought people wanted me to do: become invisible and irrelevant. It's better to not be known than to be disliked. Right?

The problem is, you can't please everyone. Ever. You just can't. Someone will always have beef with you. You could be the nicest person in the world and people will still find something wrong with you. Now, people have a problem with me because I keep them at arm's length. They don't like how I don't talk about how I feel, or how I internalize my thoughts and don't share secrets. They want me to be the person who was always "annoying" and can't fathom how hard it is for me to go back to that place. People say, "be yourself!" But what if you don't know who you are? What if you don't know what that means? What if, after trying for years and years to figure it out and you think you've finally got it, people tell you it's not enough? Then what?

Sincerely,
Alice.

Just Listen

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp_Ksa6mEd8

Don't listen to me

When I ask you to take it slow

You're right where you want to be

No one has to know

Don't listen to me

When I beg you to stop

I'll never be free

Can't breath when you're on top

Don't listen to me

When I struggle to move

Do what you want with my body

Like you have something to prove

Don't listen to me

When I cry out in pain

You scream out with glee

Then lay where I've lain

A Lonely Love

The song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIYkiggCGpA

Dear Kellsie,

Do you believe in love? When I was a little kid, I was in love with love. I watched all the right movies, read all the right books, and didn't get grossed out when people kissed like most children do. I thought that when people dated or got married, they were crazy about each other all the time and showed affection in all the best ways. Growing up, however, reality turned me cold, as it does to the majority of people.

Now? Now I'm not so sure what this whole "love" thing is all about. I just don't understand all the hype behind it. In my mind (scary, I know) love is supposed to be this powerful, all-encompassing feeling. It drives people mad, doing crazy things for the people they're in love with. That's not the case, though, is it? The love I've experienced is fleeting. At least, the type you're supposed to feel with your partner is. You see, I do kind of understand parts of love. I love my dog, because he is the most loyal, sweet being I have ever known. I love my family, because humans are hardwired to take care of their blood; it's how the human race survives. But other than that? I honestly do not know anymore.

I've been with my boyfriend, Jake, for about three years now. That's a long time to wonder whether or not you love someone. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever loved him. I think I have, but I just don't know. I made love to him before I thought I might love him. I gave things to him that, as a child, I never expected to give anyone but my husband, whom I would be crazy about. That's not what happened, though. Maybe I got bored. Maybe I was lonely. No, I was definitely lonely. I craved attention that I wasn't getting anywhere else, so I threw myself at the first person who showed an interest in me. The weird thing is, I don't really regret it. Jake is a great guy, I know that for a fact. At least, I think I do; he's all I've ever known.

The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of the future and being married to a man I'm unsure about, just because he's there and I can't do better. I'm scared of not being in love, and never knowing what that really means anyway. But most of all? I'm scared of what happens when the love Jake claims to feel for me fades. What happens then? Square one? I guess my main question here is: what's worse, being with someone and lonely, or being alone and lonely? Asking for a friend.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Heads Up

As my first post, I would just like to give some information about what types of content I will be posting. You see, I am sick. Due to this fact, I will be using this blog as an outlet, writing down information to help me take life one day at a time. If you are someone who struggles with mental illness, anxiety, or something of that nature, I advise you to look somewhere else for inspiration and help. I may say things here that will act as triggers, and the last thing I want for other people is what I go through.

That being said, I will also do my best to be positive and change my outlook on life. It is never too late for anyone to turn their life around, and that is exactly what I am striving toward. Stay strong and enjoy the ride.

Sincerely,
Alice.