The Longest Time

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4AkBdlzcpU

Dear Kellsie,

Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.

This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.

To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.

For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.

Sincerely,
Alice.