Personal Problem

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyy3YOpxL2k&list=RDBimd2nZirT4&index=2

Dear Kellsie,

I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.

Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?

You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.

I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.

Sincerely,
Alice.