Selfish

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_aCcG6SjH4

Dear Kellsie,

I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.

This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.

The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.

Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.

Sincerely,
Alice.