Second Chance

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIw7RAfYgI8

Dear Kellsie,

Today was a good day. After I transferred to public school junior year of high school, I cut pretty much everyone out of my life except Jake, because it was just easier that way. I never knew how much I was missing out on until I came to college.

Now I have friends. No, I don't think they have my back no matter what. They aren't as good as you are to me, but I don't think I'll ever find a friendship like ours. That's okay, though, because I do have you and all you really need in life is one person, one person you can count on no matter what, and I'm glad my person is you. For now, though, we're at different colleges, but I have people I can spend my free time with so I'm not so lonely all the time like I used to be.

Joining a sorority was a good call; maybe the best decision I've ever made. The friendships and doors it's already opened for me is more than I could have ever asked for. I feel supported and wanted more now than I can remember ever being in the past. I go out to frat parties and talk to random people and enjoy being young and carefree now, while I can. I've even made friends at frat parties who remember my name the next morning and talk to me like I'm a human, not just a toy they want to use and throw away. Jake and I are good right now and I feel safe withh him again, for the first time in a long time.

I can't remember ever being as happy as I am right now. I've got my meds straight, I sleep through the night, and I am eating three meals a day, even with snacks in between. This seems to trivial to healthy people but for me, it's a huge deal to be able to simply function as a healthy human being. It means so much to me to have some control over my life and to feel wanted. Not just wanted by Jake, but by friends and family. I push people away like I want space, that's why I cut so many people out. When they get too close, I ignore them until they stop caring about me. But now, I want to be wanted and I'm not afraid to go out and get what makes me feel good. I'm not even talking about drugs or alcohol, but the comfort of a friend after a long day or just a study buddy at the library before a big exam.

In the past, when people would invite me to go out or just chill, I'd say no. My bed was my comfort zone and I liked it that way. I liked to think I didn't need anyone else and that I was fine by myself. The thing is, I don't want to be "fine" anymore. I want to really live, not just survive and keep my head above water, so I am. When my friends invite me out or in, I say yes, without even really thinking about it. I guess that now, since I'm in college, I don't really have a comfort zone. Staying in my bed all day just seems boring to me. Don't get my wrong, I love a good "GYST" (get your shit together) day as any other girl, but not nearly as often as I used to. I enjoy being around other people and doing things that used to be out of reach for my dark, disturbed mind. I even sign up for things I never would have imagined, knowing I could fail, but not fearing it, either. I applied for Jr. Panhellenic council and, get this, I made it. The old Alice would never have gone out for it because, first of all, I wouldn't have believed I could have done it. Second of all, if, by some "miracle," I did make it, I would have hated being committed to something. I'm in a sorority, on Jr. Pan, and have an interview for a CA position tomorrow. I see myself having a future; something I literally and honestly couldn't see before, and I am so excited for it; something I never thought I would.

I still take my meds, even on really good days, because I feel like I still need them, but the point is that I don't rely on them like I used to. I feel healthy and confident and safe. I was surprised and worried at how good I felt at the beginning of college. What was that weird feeling, and would it last? I was so unused to this feeling that I didn't really even recognize what it was. I know it seems dumb or inexplicable to healthy people, but I didn't know what being happy felt like, I really didn't. I know it won't last forever, but that's okay. I obviously still have down days, but they aren't as deep as they used to be, and the good days are better than they've ever been. I'm happy, and I'm not even as scared of it as I was. I embrace it and I appreciate it more than ever now, because I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. It's like I died in the past. I was physically functioning, but my mind and soul had given up on me. Not anymore, though. No longer will I be a victim to the prison that is my mind. This is my life and I'm finally taking it back.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Fight Night

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtNS1afUOnE


Dear Kellsie,

I just can't seem to find happiness, no matter where I look. Even when things are good, they lack something I can't put my finger on.

Jake and I had a huge fight on Friday. We had been having small squabbles for days and it finally accumulated into a huge blowout. We talked about breaking up, I hung up on him multiple times, and no "I love you's" were uttered, neither meant nor empty.  The next day, we both apologized and agreed to stay together. By Saturday night, we were fighting again, the same argument being tossed around in circles again and again. I got up and left his room and headed back to mine. I kept stopping and looking back, hoping to see him chasing after me, but I guess that only happens in rom-coms. I finally got to my bed, alone except for the mosquito bites on my arms from waiting at dusk for too long.

About an hour later, I texted Jake, asking him to come over so we could at least talk. He said he would, but when I asked when, he told me he was with his friend out running errands and didn't know for sure yet. This just upset me further. It's really hard to make plans with Jake, because he's a pledge in a fraternity, so his schedule is largely controlled by the whim of his actives. Saturday night was supposed to be time for us though; something set aside just for us. So, when he said he'd already made alternate plans, I was hurt.

I guess it was my fault, for leaving, but I just needed an hour to clear my head before spending all night with him. We were supposed to watch "Zoo" on Netflix and eat McDonald's and have sex and just have a good time in my room, since I have my own door to lock and no roommate. But, since he had just gotten back from a retreat, he was tired and wanted to sleep, so I gave him three hours to sleep and then went to his room when he woke up so we could watch TV there. When I got there, he just wanted to nap again, which annoyed me because I was invited to two other events I could have gone to while he was sleeping and instead was wasting my time while he napped and I was wide awake, so I thought I was justified in leaving.

He finally did come over, though, about four hours after our phone call, and brought McDonald's as a peace offering. I had just eaten, but ate it anyway to show my acceptance of our pitiful truce. We had sex and everything was fine. Just fine, like it always is. This is true love, ladies and gentlemen, my night in shining armor. I guess I should be more grateful, at least he was trying, which is more than I can say. I just can't shake this feeling that something isn't right. I don't know what it is or how to fix it, so I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing for now. Do you want to know something really funny? This post was supposed to be positive. I can't even be happy in my writing.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Love of My Life

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPJNt1eTVNY

Tell me you love me
When we're between the sheets
I'm not who you want me to be
We share nothing but cold feet

Tell me what I want to hear
Hold me tight
Kiss my ear
Make me fight

Tell me I'm your everything
Even though you don't care
You have nothing to bring
It's just not fair

Tell me you love me
And maybe one day I won't have to try
Why can't you see
We both know it's a lie
When you tell me you love me

No Easy Fix

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmFWkq1fHmM

Dear Kellsie,

You know that one person who walks into a room and lights the whole place up? The one who everyone loves, their laugh is contagious, and they have absolutely no problem fitting in with whoever they're around? Yeah, that's not me. I absolutely dread meeting new people. I don't "do" small talk or fake people. I just don't have the time or energy for it, and I don't understand how so many people thrive in that environment, I really don't.

This makes it really hard for people to like me sometimes, and I can't say I blame them. As a result, I feel unwanted all the time. I understand that I am the problem here. Trust me, self-blame and hate are not foreign to me. I know I cause more problems than solutions and I guess that's fine because it just is the way it is. I've accepted it; I'm tired of constantly trying to change who I am to fit in. Fuck it. It's exhausting and extremely unfulfilling. It's also very, very, very lonely.

The truth is that I wish I were different. I wish I could roll out of bed feeling great and ready to face the day. I wish I didn't have to take three prescriptions and six pills a day just so I didn't want to leave this world. But I do. I do have to actively try to make sure I make eye contact when I talk to someone. I have to forcibly focus on the conversation in order to formulate a response that doesn't make me feel absolutely stupid, and even then half the time I mess it up.

People just don't like me. I've never been the first pick for anything except athletics. That seems backwards, since most kids on the playground would love to be me in that situation, but what I mean is that I'm no one's first choice. When my friends go out, they get a group together and maybe add me at the end as an afterthought. I was "in" with the popular crowd for a bit in high school, but that was only because people loved my brother and my friend at the time knew one of the "cool" girls. I didn't exactly make it on my own. Being the one nobody thinks of first was and is still unbearable. Let's just say guys don't go crazy over the loner in the corner. By some act of god, or maybe hell froze over and pigs began to fly without my knowledge, but I started dating someone. We've been together about three years now and I still feel alone.

So tell me, does it ever get better? Easier? Less painful? I'll take anything at this point. I thought a boyfriend would mean less sadness. I thought it'd give me someone to count on; someone who was mine and all mine and who wanted me to be theirs and just theirs. That's not how it works, though. Life goes on, just with another person. We do our own things, and are lucky to have an extra moment here and there for things that I may or may not want to be doing at the time. I'm still lonely; I just have one less excuse to be.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Leave.

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bimd2nZirT4&list=RDBimd2nZirT4

Dear Kellsie,

It was never supposed to be like this. Usually when I have a problem, I know where it comes from and either can find a way to fix it, or figure out how to accept it. This isn't the case right now. I am hurt and alone and empty and have no idea how to fix it, or if I can even be fixed.

I hate when Jake comes over just to have sex. I hate when we have sex and he leaves afterward. But I love it so much. For a brief fifteen minutes, I have his undivided attention. For those fifteen minutes, I am all he thinks about and all he wants. For those fifteen minutes, I am not alone. After the sweat has dried and he is no longer inside me, I am as empty as ever. When he leaves, I sit on the cold tile bathroom floor and curl up in a ball. No, I do not cry. I simply take a moment and sit in the silent darkness and don't think about anything. I just let myself be.

I know it's my fault. I'm the one who asks him to come over just to fuck and then tell him to leave. Why, you may be wondering, do I ask him to come over and fuck if I don't want him to just come over and fuck me? Good question. Let me know when you figure it out. My theory, that many therapists have helped me concoct, is that I want intimacy, but don't know how to get it and get freaked out when I come close to having it. The truth is, I just want someone here. I want him to be here and I know one thing that will make him come over every time.

Once he's here, I hesitate to have sex, because I don't actually want to just have sex. I want him to talk to me and want to be here. I just want him to want me, which is something no one has ever done for me before. I've never been anyone's first pick. Then, after I eventually do give in, I want it to be over as soon as possible. It's not that it doesn't feel good, because I know it should, or that I don't like him, because I do. It's just how I am. That's all the explanation I can give you and I'm sorry because I know it's not near enough. If I understood it any better than you do I'd tell you.

I'm going to end it here because I'm tired in the worst way. I don't know what else to say. My mind is swimming and for the first time, writing doesn't even make me feel better. I had my first panic attack tonight in months. I almost forgot how draining those are. Almost.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Dear Dad

The song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoC2CRLguSo

He took the light from your eyes
The fire from your heart
The spark in your step

He called you names
Put you down
Hit you where you're weak

He shoved you against the wall
Made you feel small
The man who should have given you it all

What I Know

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ

Dear Kellsie,

I think there's a lot of negative stigma concerning mental illness that really needs to fuck off. People need to understand that it's an invisible illness. But just because it's invisible doesn't make it any less real than any other disease on earth. I've compiled a list of things that are myths, and have taken it upon myself to go ahead and clear them up for all of y'all who are too dumb to think for yourselves, so you just believe whatever bullshit the media and crappy TV shows tell you.

1.) Depression is just a "down" feeling. No. Just no. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just like how people get cancer when their bodies produce cells too quickly, depression occurs when the brain doesn't make enough "happy" chemicals quickly enough. Dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, and endorphins are a few of these. They're very, very real and backed by science. Look it up.

2.) When someone who is sick pushes you away, it's because you did something wrong. This is another big "no." As I stated before, depression is a lack of happy chemicals in the brain. Just because you are near someone when they have an episode doesn't mean you messed up. That's not to say you did; I have no idea what's going on in your life. But odds are, if someone has an episode, it has everything to do with what's happening in their head and nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally, you're not that special.

3.) Sick people are seeking attention and need to get over it, also known as the most insensitive thing you can say to someone who is struggling with a mental illness. Some people, like myself, struggled with mental illnesses for years before feeling like they could reach out for help. Reaching out for help is a good thing that should not be shamed. Would you tell someone with an infection not to go to the doctor for antibiotics because you didn't think they needed them? I sure as hell hope not. If you would, you're a terrible person and wouldn't be saying that if you were the sick one. Sometimes, if people cut in a visible place it's because they are looking for help. Not because they care what you and your over-sized ego think, but because they don't know how else to ask. Maybe they have no one to go to. Maybe they don't feel safe. Maybe the cuts feel better than the pain they feel on the inside. I don't know, and you sure as hell don't either, so don't judge. Ever. Don't do it. Only they know how they feel and even then they don't understand it completely. Offer to get them help, and then leave it up to them and tell a trusted adult. Don't put your nose in their business any more than that. This shit is hard enough as it is without people thinking it's okay to have an opinion on something they know nothing about.

4.) People with eating disorders just need to eat. Honey, if it were that simple, don't you think everyone would be perfectly healthy all the time? It's not that easy. Everyone who has struggled with an eating disorder wishes it were, but it just isn't. This specific mental illness is something I still can't put into words. My personal eating disorder is like a gnat that's been flying around for years and I just can't squash. Sometimes, I almost forget it's there. Almost; until I don't. Relationships with food is hard for anyone, but add a mental illness in and it's a hot mess. Food is more than just "fuel for the body" to someone with an eating disorder. It's so real it almost feels tangible. It's more than a feeling or "diet." It's a voice in your head constantly bringing you down and telling you you don't deserve to eat for a variety of reasons. Don't tell someone they're too thin, just like your mother (hopefully) told you not to tell people they're too fat. Don't tell them to "just eat" because there's no such thing as "just eating" when you're sick.

This list contains four main points I think are issues. Four points out of I don't even know how many if I had the time to think about it. Of course, this is my own personal opinion from my own personal experiences. It doesn't apply to every sick person and isn't specific to everyone's lives. But one thing I feel very strongly about is being kind to everyone. You don't know what they've been through. Even if you've been through a similar illness or even the same one, everyone takes things and sees things differently, so don't tell them you know what they're going through because you don't. Most people can't even fathom what it's like to be sick and I am genuinely happy about that. I hope you don't understand it. I hope you never do. Because this illness, these illnesses, are something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Love

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB6oIdz_ZXo

Dear Kellsie,

"People do crazy things for love." That's what "they" say, but I don't think it's true. Take this with a grain of salt since we all know how I feel about what love is, if it's even real, but still, I don't think people do much of anything for love at all. For happiness, yes. For self-fulfillment, definitely. But love? Not so much.

I mean really, though, think about it. What makes people happy? Money, sex, and puppies, sure. But what feelings make people feel happy? Feeling wanted, feeling close to others, a good, old-fashioned orgasm; all things that are best when they come from other people. So, when people do things for "love," what they're really doing are things that will ultimately benefit themselves.

Love isn't selfless. Love isn't unbreakable. Love isn't timeless or classic or endless or anything "they" tell you. Love is selfish. Love is fragile. Love ultimately comes to an end. Yes, love is powerful, but only in the worst way. When someone tells you they love you, they don't love who you are; they love what you can do for them, what you have to offer them. When you no longer serve a useful purpose, they cut you out, kick you to the curb. Love is a lot of things. Love is not a lot of things. I don't know exactly what love is. But one thing I'm sure of? Love is a bitch.

Sincerely,
Alice.