The Perfect Girl

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfNVawIw9TM

Dear Kellsie,

I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.

A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.

Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.

From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.

My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.

Sincerely,
Alice.