Second Again

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXYSD65UpSg

Dear Kellsie,

I'm buzzed right now. Then again, what else is new? I rely on alcohol to keep me happy in a way nothing else can. It's not just the buzz that I like though. No, I like the clarity of it. I know that seems backwards, since it messes with your head, but it gives me courage and strength and a sense of what I really want. When I'm drunk, I say exactly what I mean. My thoughts and head aren't in the way anymore. I like to drink for so many reasons, but my primary one is that I finally have the balls to say what I mean without fear.

Jake never invites me over. We had this huge fight about how he always comes over to my place, but then he never invites me to his. The thing is, his roommate constantly has girls over. Sometimes, his roommate will have girls over and Jake will invite his guy friend over to hang out. It's like they have this high school party and I'm the only chick left out, which is ironic considering the fact that I'm the one who sucks his dick but whatever. I'm a second choice again. How refreshing.

I went to this event with a speaker that all the sorority girls had to go to. At the end, this athlete came out and took off his shirt to convince the girls to go to the football games. As I've said in the past, I'm extremely loyal. I didn't even look at the guy, even though all the girls were screaming. I have no interest in someone who isn't mine, so I didn't care. But Jake got mad at me anyway. Today, his roommate posted a video of Jake watching a TV show with a lot of female nudity and they were laughing about seeing tits. Classy. Funny how the rules only apply to me.

I drank vodka tonight specifically because I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore. My head wants nothing to do with it. My heart hates being alone. My head knows I'm being treated like shit and that this whole thing isn't working anymore. My heart hates being alone. My head says "no, you're riding for five hours each way for Thanksgiving together, don't make that awkward." My heart says, "please don't leave me alone." I don't know what to do. I don't want a repeat of junior year where I go around fucking with random guys because I have no self-esteem. My best friends are both single. Maybe we could all have fun together. Maybe I need to get over my fear.

I'm still in the business school, which is good because I need to make my own money so I don't rely on Jake too much. Right now Jake and his roommate have about four people over. It looks like a lot of fun, from what his roommate showed me. The one time I was invited over was when Jake's guy friend was there and invited me. I hate being a second choice. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done.

Sincerely,
Alice.