Bad Habit

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE

Dear Kellsie,

I know this is going to come as a huge surprise, but whenever things get bad or hard, I run. Like, fast and far. This goes for just about everything: relationships, school, extracurriculars, etc.

Last Friday night, I was hanging out in Jake's room with him and his roommate, Tom. We were all messing around and doing homework and then Tom had some girls over to help them with homework. I don't care if Jake hangs out with other girls, I really don't. That is, of course, assuming he doesn't lie about it or flirt with them, but I don't think that's too much to ask of a three year long relationship. Anyway, Jake asked this girl about her tattoo on her upper thigh and was looking at her legs for a long time. Spoiler: I am super self-conscious of my legs, I fucking hate them. Anyway, this was just after he lied about his "study session" with the girl I hate. I was going to sleep over that night, but Tom invited another one of his friends over to get high, which I don't care about at all; you do you. Jake said he was going to help me with my math homework, but then he and Tom started playing video games while I did business homework, so I left.

To give you some back story, Jake and I had just had a huge fight the night before. Also, I was in a shitton of pain because I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst that burst. Also, I took a codine that was fucking with my head. Due to these facts, excuse me, excuses, I left. I didn't want to deal with the human interaction it would take to finish the night and was pissed Jake was looking at that girl's tattoo for a long time. I was upset he didn't give me much attention. I was anxious and frustrated and in pain, so I left.

Today, I woke up to Tom's snapchat story of a girl in their room, who was obviously under an influence of some sort. Jake was there too, and was laughing at whatever she said and talking with them. Innocent enough, sure. It's just funny, because he told me he might invite me over if he got home early enough from his frat stuff. He said I never ask to come over, so I did, and he said maybe, which is fine. But then he never invited me over. Then there was a random girl in their room. Later on in Tom's snapchat story, Jake's friend was in his room too, and the girl was gone. Again, I never got a call or anything.

Jake said I overreact to everything, so I straight up asked him why he never invited me over and he told me it was because I fell asleep. Y'all. I fell asleep because I pulled an all-nighter the night before because we were fighting. He said I never came over or showed any effort, so I walked at four in the morning to see him. It was dark and cold and I thought I saw a creeper in a ski mask coming toward me (don't worry, it was just bad lighting). He knows I hate walking alone in the dark, but told me I could come anyway and made me feel guilty by saying "I know you won't." I rarely turn down a challenge. Anyway, I was tired and fell asleep at like eleven at night. It's just funny, again, because he got mad at me one time when I said I'd come over and didn't because he was asleep. Keep in mind, when I didn't come over, it was because it was late, like three in the morning, and he had an early class. I was trying to be nice, but I still got shit for it for weeks after. Oh, but when he does it, it's okay.

I don't think Jake would ever cheat on me in the traditional sense. For example, I don't think he'd just openly fuck another girl behind my back. But I do think he'd cheat on me emotionally, which doesn't really make sense I know. But I think he'd get the loving, sweet, funny shit from someone else that he's not getting from me. It's really sad, but when I saw that girl in his room, I was jealous. No, not because she's a girl, but because she made him laugh. I can't remember the last time Jake and I flirted and laughed together like we were best friends or even just dating. I try to make him laugh, I really do, and I know I can make guys laugh, because I've done it at parties or, if you think it's the alcohol, then I've made guys in my classes laugh before too. I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, which was problematic when I was younger, but now people understand it more and think I'm funny once they get to know me. But not Jake. I was jealous because here was this girl in his room, when he didn't invite me over, and they were laughing and having a good time. I understand that girls make their guy friends laugh, but it just made me sad to see her doing what I obviously can't anymore. The worst part is that I can't tell Jake any of this, because I'm afraid of him dumping me, which is not a good place to be in. I can't tell him I have a problem with him, because I'm on thin ice. And I can't make him laugh, because he takes my teasing as an insult now. What am I, his annoying six year old cousin?

I do not feel good about my relationship. The way Jake is feeling is how I've been feeling for months. It just sucks because he was always the one who was so sure of our relationship. He kept me sane and grounded and in line. He always made things better and made sure we were together. If he's out, then I'm done for good. If he is questioning our relationship, I'm in serious danger. I'm losing the only one who's ever really taken me in and cared about me. I've been a second choice my whole life until I met Jake and he made me feel wanted. I'll survive, I always do. It just sucks losing your rock. He wants me to be better, but keeps fucking around. It feels like what he really means is that he wants me to sit down and take whatever shit he does and that when I get mad, I'm crazy and he won't put up with it anymore. Do you know what would help though? If Jake were just honest and actually talked to me. If I didn't have to find out who he's with and what he's doing from other people. If he recognized everything I did and that I am truly doing my best. If we could go back in time and I could make him treat me the way he's used to. I know, that last one's kind of crazy but I figured since this is all hypothetical shit that's never going to happen, I might as well go all out.

Sincerely,
Alice.