No Easy Fix

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmFWkq1fHmM

Dear Kellsie,

You know that one person who walks into a room and lights the whole place up? The one who everyone loves, their laugh is contagious, and they have absolutely no problem fitting in with whoever they're around? Yeah, that's not me. I absolutely dread meeting new people. I don't "do" small talk or fake people. I just don't have the time or energy for it, and I don't understand how so many people thrive in that environment, I really don't.

This makes it really hard for people to like me sometimes, and I can't say I blame them. As a result, I feel unwanted all the time. I understand that I am the problem here. Trust me, self-blame and hate are not foreign to me. I know I cause more problems than solutions and I guess that's fine because it just is the way it is. I've accepted it; I'm tired of constantly trying to change who I am to fit in. Fuck it. It's exhausting and extremely unfulfilling. It's also very, very, very lonely.

The truth is that I wish I were different. I wish I could roll out of bed feeling great and ready to face the day. I wish I didn't have to take three prescriptions and six pills a day just so I didn't want to leave this world. But I do. I do have to actively try to make sure I make eye contact when I talk to someone. I have to forcibly focus on the conversation in order to formulate a response that doesn't make me feel absolutely stupid, and even then half the time I mess it up.

People just don't like me. I've never been the first pick for anything except athletics. That seems backwards, since most kids on the playground would love to be me in that situation, but what I mean is that I'm no one's first choice. When my friends go out, they get a group together and maybe add me at the end as an afterthought. I was "in" with the popular crowd for a bit in high school, but that was only because people loved my brother and my friend at the time knew one of the "cool" girls. I didn't exactly make it on my own. Being the one nobody thinks of first was and is still unbearable. Let's just say guys don't go crazy over the loner in the corner. By some act of god, or maybe hell froze over and pigs began to fly without my knowledge, but I started dating someone. We've been together about three years now and I still feel alone.

So tell me, does it ever get better? Easier? Less painful? I'll take anything at this point. I thought a boyfriend would mean less sadness. I thought it'd give me someone to count on; someone who was mine and all mine and who wanted me to be theirs and just theirs. That's not how it works, though. Life goes on, just with another person. We do our own things, and are lucky to have an extra moment here and there for things that I may or may not want to be doing at the time. I'm still lonely; I just have one less excuse to be.

Sincerely,
Alice.