Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOCRRF4BRuU
Dear Kellsie,
Growing up is hard. People weren't joking when they told us that when we were little. But no one told me about the war that I would wage within my own self. The bottom line is: life is just too goddam short to waste hating yourself and your surroundings or honestly, anything in general.
Say the things you want to say. Yes, you'll say some stupid shit, but you'll also say some amazing things and who knows, you may just end up saving someone. Go for that run you've been procrastinating. But also eat that extra slice of cake. Just fucking eat it. Live for yourself and absolutely no one else. Do what you want. Don't hurt other people in the process, but don't go out of your way trying to impress people, either. Odds are, three years from now or less, they'll be irrelevant to you anyway. Strive for your goals. Get your hopes up and shoot for the stars. I hate using cheesy cliches, but you truly may just grab the moon.
Most importantly, don't be afraid to do what you want. Be yourself and enjoy this crazy, messed up ride. It's terrifying and risky, yes, but it's also beautiful. So many people's ride get cut short. So many people don't have the opportunities you do, so don't ever waste them or take them for granted. I'm not saying it's not okay to be sad or throw the occasional pity-party, because it is. Let yourself feel that sadness to the largest degree. Feel all your emotions as strongly as you can. But don't let it keep you down. Life is so short and so fragile and I'd rather you have a lake of regrets with an ocean of positive memories than a drop of regret among a puddle of fond recollections. Go all out. Do it. I wish the absolute best for you and can't stand the thought of you sad. Do what I've never done. Please, just go do it. Starting right now. Not today, not tomorrow, not "later," but right this second.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Circles
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8tLS_NOWLs
Dear Kellsie,
My anxiety has been through the roof lately. You know how, when you take antibiotics to get rid of an illness, your body becomes a bit more immune to the drugs every time you take them? I wonder if the same thing happens with antidepressants. I started off really strong this year at college, but I've been in a funk for about a week now. It just seems like whatever I do, things end up badly. I feel like I'm suffocating and I just can't breathe. I'm back in the place where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things had been going so well for a while there; I almost believed it could last.
The tricky thing about depression and anxiety is that I have no "reason" to feel the way I do. I grew up in a house where I never worried where my next meal was coming from. My parents gave me food, clothing, and shelter. I was an all-district, defensive player of the year, captain of my varsity team all by the time I was a sophomore. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not the most dull, either. I was never bullied and I don't have some tragic backstory. The thing is, my brain doesn't take this into account when creating dopamine and serotonin. It doesn't care about logic or reason. I just am the way I am, and nothing can change that. Not even drugs can, as I have been finding out.
For now, I'll do the only thing that for sure helps: sleep. The only problem is that I'm an insomniac; even the simplest thing human beings do is hard for me. God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms so if you could pray for me that'd be great.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
My anxiety has been through the roof lately. You know how, when you take antibiotics to get rid of an illness, your body becomes a bit more immune to the drugs every time you take them? I wonder if the same thing happens with antidepressants. I started off really strong this year at college, but I've been in a funk for about a week now. It just seems like whatever I do, things end up badly. I feel like I'm suffocating and I just can't breathe. I'm back in the place where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things had been going so well for a while there; I almost believed it could last.
The tricky thing about depression and anxiety is that I have no "reason" to feel the way I do. I grew up in a house where I never worried where my next meal was coming from. My parents gave me food, clothing, and shelter. I was an all-district, defensive player of the year, captain of my varsity team all by the time I was a sophomore. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not the most dull, either. I was never bullied and I don't have some tragic backstory. The thing is, my brain doesn't take this into account when creating dopamine and serotonin. It doesn't care about logic or reason. I just am the way I am, and nothing can change that. Not even drugs can, as I have been finding out.
For now, I'll do the only thing that for sure helps: sleep. The only problem is that I'm an insomniac; even the simplest thing human beings do is hard for me. God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms so if you could pray for me that'd be great.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Transition
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCLBGY0huVE
Dear Kellsie,
I've really been trying to be better lately. I started spiraling into a deep hole sophomore year of high school and have been digging and clawing my way out ever since. I was always a quiet person who kept to myself, but I was also straight up with people and I think that turned people off to me. I'm sarcastic and realistic, so when people first meet me they tend to think I'm a bit of a bitch, even though I truly am not. I believe in being nice to everyone, because you never know what they're going through. I stand up for the kid being bullied and was never one to partake in picking on the odd person out. Did that keep people from pushing me down? Of course not.
One of the worst things people (namely my family) would tell me is that I'm annoying. I am not passionate about many things, so being told that I need to shut up because I'm irritating people sucks, to put it mildly. Due to the fact that I tend to be openly honest with people, I hate being the one in the dark; the one people are nice to when I'm around, then talk badly behind my back. So, what did I do about it? I changed, of course.
I shut people out. I became even more quiet than usual. I sat back and instead of living and loving my life, I became a silent observer. I watched, I noticed things that most people probably wouldn't even realize. No, that does not mean I was a stalker. I didn't eavesdrop or take notes or stare at people kissing or something illegal or whatever this may lead you to think. I simply did what I thought people wanted me to do: become invisible and irrelevant. It's better to not be known than to be disliked. Right?
The problem is, you can't please everyone. Ever. You just can't. Someone will always have beef with you. You could be the nicest person in the world and people will still find something wrong with you. Now, people have a problem with me because I keep them at arm's length. They don't like how I don't talk about how I feel, or how I internalize my thoughts and don't share secrets. They want me to be the person who was always "annoying" and can't fathom how hard it is for me to go back to that place. People say, "be yourself!" But what if you don't know who you are? What if you don't know what that means? What if, after trying for years and years to figure it out and you think you've finally got it, people tell you it's not enough? Then what?
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I've really been trying to be better lately. I started spiraling into a deep hole sophomore year of high school and have been digging and clawing my way out ever since. I was always a quiet person who kept to myself, but I was also straight up with people and I think that turned people off to me. I'm sarcastic and realistic, so when people first meet me they tend to think I'm a bit of a bitch, even though I truly am not. I believe in being nice to everyone, because you never know what they're going through. I stand up for the kid being bullied and was never one to partake in picking on the odd person out. Did that keep people from pushing me down? Of course not.
One of the worst things people (namely my family) would tell me is that I'm annoying. I am not passionate about many things, so being told that I need to shut up because I'm irritating people sucks, to put it mildly. Due to the fact that I tend to be openly honest with people, I hate being the one in the dark; the one people are nice to when I'm around, then talk badly behind my back. So, what did I do about it? I changed, of course.
I shut people out. I became even more quiet than usual. I sat back and instead of living and loving my life, I became a silent observer. I watched, I noticed things that most people probably wouldn't even realize. No, that does not mean I was a stalker. I didn't eavesdrop or take notes or stare at people kissing or something illegal or whatever this may lead you to think. I simply did what I thought people wanted me to do: become invisible and irrelevant. It's better to not be known than to be disliked. Right?
The problem is, you can't please everyone. Ever. You just can't. Someone will always have beef with you. You could be the nicest person in the world and people will still find something wrong with you. Now, people have a problem with me because I keep them at arm's length. They don't like how I don't talk about how I feel, or how I internalize my thoughts and don't share secrets. They want me to be the person who was always "annoying" and can't fathom how hard it is for me to go back to that place. People say, "be yourself!" But what if you don't know who you are? What if you don't know what that means? What if, after trying for years and years to figure it out and you think you've finally got it, people tell you it's not enough? Then what?
Sincerely,
Alice.
Just Listen
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp_Ksa6mEd8
Don't listen to me
When I ask you to take it slow
You're right where you want to be
No one has to know
Don't listen to me
When I beg you to stop
I'll never be free
Can't breath when you're on top
Don't listen to me
When I struggle to move
Do what you want with my body
Like you have something to prove
Don't listen to me
When I cry out in pain
You scream out with glee
Then lay where I've lain
A Lonely Love
The song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIYkiggCGpA
Dear Kellsie,
Do you believe in love? When I was a little kid, I was in love with love. I watched all the right movies, read all the right books, and didn't get grossed out when people kissed like most children do. I thought that when people dated or got married, they were crazy about each other all the time and showed affection in all the best ways. Growing up, however, reality turned me cold, as it does to the majority of people.
Now? Now I'm not so sure what this whole "love" thing is all about. I just don't understand all the hype behind it. In my mind (scary, I know) love is supposed to be this powerful, all-encompassing feeling. It drives people mad, doing crazy things for the people they're in love with. That's not the case, though, is it? The love I've experienced is fleeting. At least, the type you're supposed to feel with your partner is. You see, I do kind of understand parts of love. I love my dog, because he is the most loyal, sweet being I have ever known. I love my family, because humans are hardwired to take care of their blood; it's how the human race survives. But other than that? I honestly do not know anymore.
I've been with my boyfriend, Jake, for about three years now. That's a long time to wonder whether or not you love someone. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever loved him. I think I have, but I just don't know. I made love to him before I thought I might love him. I gave things to him that, as a child, I never expected to give anyone but my husband, whom I would be crazy about. That's not what happened, though. Maybe I got bored. Maybe I was lonely. No, I was definitely lonely. I craved attention that I wasn't getting anywhere else, so I threw myself at the first person who showed an interest in me. The weird thing is, I don't really regret it. Jake is a great guy, I know that for a fact. At least, I think I do; he's all I've ever known.
The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of the future and being married to a man I'm unsure about, just because he's there and I can't do better. I'm scared of not being in love, and never knowing what that really means anyway. But most of all? I'm scared of what happens when the love Jake claims to feel for me fades. What happens then? Square one? I guess my main question here is: what's worse, being with someone and lonely, or being alone and lonely? Asking for a friend.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Heads Up
As my first post, I would just like to give some information about what types of content I will be posting. You see, I am sick. Due to this fact, I will be using this blog as an outlet, writing down information to help me take life one day at a time. If you are someone who struggles with mental illness, anxiety, or something of that nature, I advise you to look somewhere else for inspiration and help. I may say things here that will act as triggers, and the last thing I want for other people is what I go through.
That being said, I will also do my best to be positive and change my outlook on life. It is never too late for anyone to turn their life around, and that is exactly what I am striving toward. Stay strong and enjoy the ride.
Sincerely,
Alice.
That being said, I will also do my best to be positive and change my outlook on life. It is never too late for anyone to turn their life around, and that is exactly what I am striving toward. Stay strong and enjoy the ride.
Sincerely,
Alice.
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