Second Chance

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIw7RAfYgI8

Dear Kellsie,

Today was a good day. After I transferred to public school junior year of high school, I cut pretty much everyone out of my life except Jake, because it was just easier that way. I never knew how much I was missing out on until I came to college.

Now I have friends. No, I don't think they have my back no matter what. They aren't as good as you are to me, but I don't think I'll ever find a friendship like ours. That's okay, though, because I do have you and all you really need in life is one person, one person you can count on no matter what, and I'm glad my person is you. For now, though, we're at different colleges, but I have people I can spend my free time with so I'm not so lonely all the time like I used to be.

Joining a sorority was a good call; maybe the best decision I've ever made. The friendships and doors it's already opened for me is more than I could have ever asked for. I feel supported and wanted more now than I can remember ever being in the past. I go out to frat parties and talk to random people and enjoy being young and carefree now, while I can. I've even made friends at frat parties who remember my name the next morning and talk to me like I'm a human, not just a toy they want to use and throw away. Jake and I are good right now and I feel safe withh him again, for the first time in a long time.

I can't remember ever being as happy as I am right now. I've got my meds straight, I sleep through the night, and I am eating three meals a day, even with snacks in between. This seems to trivial to healthy people but for me, it's a huge deal to be able to simply function as a healthy human being. It means so much to me to have some control over my life and to feel wanted. Not just wanted by Jake, but by friends and family. I push people away like I want space, that's why I cut so many people out. When they get too close, I ignore them until they stop caring about me. But now, I want to be wanted and I'm not afraid to go out and get what makes me feel good. I'm not even talking about drugs or alcohol, but the comfort of a friend after a long day or just a study buddy at the library before a big exam.

In the past, when people would invite me to go out or just chill, I'd say no. My bed was my comfort zone and I liked it that way. I liked to think I didn't need anyone else and that I was fine by myself. The thing is, I don't want to be "fine" anymore. I want to really live, not just survive and keep my head above water, so I am. When my friends invite me out or in, I say yes, without even really thinking about it. I guess that now, since I'm in college, I don't really have a comfort zone. Staying in my bed all day just seems boring to me. Don't get my wrong, I love a good "GYST" (get your shit together) day as any other girl, but not nearly as often as I used to. I enjoy being around other people and doing things that used to be out of reach for my dark, disturbed mind. I even sign up for things I never would have imagined, knowing I could fail, but not fearing it, either. I applied for Jr. Panhellenic council and, get this, I made it. The old Alice would never have gone out for it because, first of all, I wouldn't have believed I could have done it. Second of all, if, by some "miracle," I did make it, I would have hated being committed to something. I'm in a sorority, on Jr. Pan, and have an interview for a CA position tomorrow. I see myself having a future; something I literally and honestly couldn't see before, and I am so excited for it; something I never thought I would.

I still take my meds, even on really good days, because I feel like I still need them, but the point is that I don't rely on them like I used to. I feel healthy and confident and safe. I was surprised and worried at how good I felt at the beginning of college. What was that weird feeling, and would it last? I was so unused to this feeling that I didn't really even recognize what it was. I know it seems dumb or inexplicable to healthy people, but I didn't know what being happy felt like, I really didn't. I know it won't last forever, but that's okay. I obviously still have down days, but they aren't as deep as they used to be, and the good days are better than they've ever been. I'm happy, and I'm not even as scared of it as I was. I embrace it and I appreciate it more than ever now, because I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. It's like I died in the past. I was physically functioning, but my mind and soul had given up on me. Not anymore, though. No longer will I be a victim to the prison that is my mind. This is my life and I'm finally taking it back.

Sincerely,
Alice.