A Lonely Love

The song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIYkiggCGpA

Dear Kellsie,

Do you believe in love? When I was a little kid, I was in love with love. I watched all the right movies, read all the right books, and didn't get grossed out when people kissed like most children do. I thought that when people dated or got married, they were crazy about each other all the time and showed affection in all the best ways. Growing up, however, reality turned me cold, as it does to the majority of people.

Now? Now I'm not so sure what this whole "love" thing is all about. I just don't understand all the hype behind it. In my mind (scary, I know) love is supposed to be this powerful, all-encompassing feeling. It drives people mad, doing crazy things for the people they're in love with. That's not the case, though, is it? The love I've experienced is fleeting. At least, the type you're supposed to feel with your partner is. You see, I do kind of understand parts of love. I love my dog, because he is the most loyal, sweet being I have ever known. I love my family, because humans are hardwired to take care of their blood; it's how the human race survives. But other than that? I honestly do not know anymore.

I've been with my boyfriend, Jake, for about three years now. That's a long time to wonder whether or not you love someone. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever loved him. I think I have, but I just don't know. I made love to him before I thought I might love him. I gave things to him that, as a child, I never expected to give anyone but my husband, whom I would be crazy about. That's not what happened, though. Maybe I got bored. Maybe I was lonely. No, I was definitely lonely. I craved attention that I wasn't getting anywhere else, so I threw myself at the first person who showed an interest in me. The weird thing is, I don't really regret it. Jake is a great guy, I know that for a fact. At least, I think I do; he's all I've ever known.

The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of the future and being married to a man I'm unsure about, just because he's there and I can't do better. I'm scared of not being in love, and never knowing what that really means anyway. But most of all? I'm scared of what happens when the love Jake claims to feel for me fades. What happens then? Square one? I guess my main question here is: what's worse, being with someone and lonely, or being alone and lonely? Asking for a friend.

Sincerely,
Alice.