Transition

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCLBGY0huVE

Dear Kellsie,

I've really been trying to be better lately. I started spiraling into a deep hole sophomore year of high school and have been digging and clawing my way out ever since. I was always a quiet person who kept to myself, but I was also straight up with people and I think that turned people off to me. I'm sarcastic and realistic, so when people first meet me they tend to think I'm a bit of a bitch, even though I truly am not. I believe in being nice to everyone, because you never know what they're going through. I stand up for the kid being bullied and was never one to partake in picking on the odd person out. Did that keep people from pushing me down? Of course not.

One of the worst things people (namely my family) would tell me is that I'm annoying. I am not passionate about many things, so being told that I need to shut up because I'm irritating people sucks, to put it mildly. Due to the fact that I tend to be openly honest with people, I hate being the one in the dark; the one people are nice to when I'm around, then talk badly behind my back. So, what did I do about it? I changed, of course.

I shut people out. I became even more quiet than usual. I sat back and instead of living and loving my life, I became a silent observer. I watched, I noticed things that most people probably wouldn't even realize. No, that does not mean I was a stalker. I didn't eavesdrop or take notes or stare at people kissing or something illegal or whatever this may lead you to think. I simply did what I thought people wanted me to do: become invisible and irrelevant. It's better to not be known than to be disliked. Right?

The problem is, you can't please everyone. Ever. You just can't. Someone will always have beef with you. You could be the nicest person in the world and people will still find something wrong with you. Now, people have a problem with me because I keep them at arm's length. They don't like how I don't talk about how I feel, or how I internalize my thoughts and don't share secrets. They want me to be the person who was always "annoying" and can't fathom how hard it is for me to go back to that place. People say, "be yourself!" But what if you don't know who you are? What if you don't know what that means? What if, after trying for years and years to figure it out and you think you've finally got it, people tell you it's not enough? Then what?

Sincerely,
Alice.