Another One

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4ixCtzUBoo

Dear Kellsie,

Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.

I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.

I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?

I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.

Sincerely,
Alice.