Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXYSD65UpSg
Dear Kellsie,
I'm buzzed right now. Then again, what else is new? I rely on alcohol to keep me happy in a way nothing else can. It's not just the buzz that I like though. No, I like the clarity of it. I know that seems backwards, since it messes with your head, but it gives me courage and strength and a sense of what I really want. When I'm drunk, I say exactly what I mean. My thoughts and head aren't in the way anymore. I like to drink for so many reasons, but my primary one is that I finally have the balls to say what I mean without fear.
Jake never invites me over. We had this huge fight about how he always comes over to my place, but then he never invites me to his. The thing is, his roommate constantly has girls over. Sometimes, his roommate will have girls over and Jake will invite his guy friend over to hang out. It's like they have this high school party and I'm the only chick left out, which is ironic considering the fact that I'm the one who sucks his dick but whatever. I'm a second choice again. How refreshing.
I went to this event with a speaker that all the sorority girls had to go to. At the end, this athlete came out and took off his shirt to convince the girls to go to the football games. As I've said in the past, I'm extremely loyal. I didn't even look at the guy, even though all the girls were screaming. I have no interest in someone who isn't mine, so I didn't care. But Jake got mad at me anyway. Today, his roommate posted a video of Jake watching a TV show with a lot of female nudity and they were laughing about seeing tits. Classy. Funny how the rules only apply to me.
I drank vodka tonight specifically because I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore. My head wants nothing to do with it. My heart hates being alone. My head knows I'm being treated like shit and that this whole thing isn't working anymore. My heart hates being alone. My head says "no, you're riding for five hours each way for Thanksgiving together, don't make that awkward." My heart says, "please don't leave me alone." I don't know what to do. I don't want a repeat of junior year where I go around fucking with random guys because I have no self-esteem. My best friends are both single. Maybe we could all have fun together. Maybe I need to get over my fear.
I'm still in the business school, which is good because I need to make my own money so I don't rely on Jake too much. Right now Jake and his roommate have about four people over. It looks like a lot of fun, from what his roommate showed me. The one time I was invited over was when Jake's guy friend was there and invited me. I hate being a second choice. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Monday, November 27, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
Mistake
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ
Dear Kellsie,
Ever since we got back together, you haven't been the same. Neither have I though, I guess. When we went out on Sunday, we smoked and were messing around in the back seat of your car. I told you I didn't want to have sex. My excuse was that I wasn't in the mood but the truth is, I was feeling down and had the ultimate dilemma a depressed person can have: I wanted to be left alone, but didn't want you to leave me alone. So what did I do? Well, you know what happened next. It hurt, god it hurt so badly, but I just wanted you to have fun, I didn't want you to leave me. You promised me that after we did it we'd go back to your place, eat food, and you would hold me. That was before I made the crucial mistake of crying during sex though, even though, even though I couldn't keep my eyes from tearing up from the pain. I scared you or made you uncomfortable or accidentally pushed you away; it's what I do best. After that, you told me to leave. All of a sudden you had a ton of "homework" to do. I went to that private school for my first two years of high school. I know how miserable it is and how the workload never lessens, but that was a sad excuse of a lie and we both know it.
Now you wonder why I've been so distant, why I'm always keeping you at arm's-length. Maybe it's true that I'm a messed up cynic, but you can't say that I don't have good reasons, not after what happened that night. I let you in, literally and figuratively, and I paid the price. I had already been feeling down and now it's almost as bad as it used to be. I can't sleep, even less than usual, so I get out of bed and do random stuff in my room, like cut. It's unhealthy. It's painful. It's sad and it's terrible. I do not recommend it for anyone. But for me? It's nothing more than another bad habit.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
It's been getting bad again lately. I know I am surrounded by people, but I feel so alone all the time. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it. You just don't get it, you'll never understand it, but I guess that's something I should be grateful for; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I really wouldn't. One of my main issues is that I have a hard time reaching out to people. But you already knew that. Instead of pulling people I should love closer to me in my time of need, I push them away. I'm sorry. Blinded by my own pain, I hurt you. Last night was the worst I've had in a while. For the first time in months, I self-harmed. Scissors on my right hip, a sweet spot with thin skin so I feel the pain right away. It was almost like I was on auto-pilot; I didn't really think about what I was doing or what it meant, before I knew it I was bleeding and trying to pull myself together.
Sunday night was date night for us. Ever since you started working, I've been on the backburner more than ever before. You know how much I hate being a second choice; I've been everyone's backup for seventeen years, I want more than that, especially from you. I guess it's my fault for breaking up with you. Before we broke up, you were the perfect boyfriend. That's not even a hyperbole, you were honestly that good. You called exactly when you said you would, gave me all the love and affection a girl could want while still giving me my own space, and were loyal and faithful. But, in case you haven't heard by now, I'm sick. I went off my medication because they make me feel nauseous and I was tired of being the "crazy" girl who took six pills a night, so I cut them out. I thought I could handle it, but it was a mistake, to say the least. I messed around while we were broken up. I know you did too, but you only did it because I pushed you away so much and told you to move on. I did it even though we were still talking as friends because I was so lonely and wanted attention from someone less perfect. God, how messed up is that?
Ever since we got back together, you haven't been the same. Neither have I though, I guess. When we went out on Sunday, we smoked and were messing around in the back seat of your car. I told you I didn't want to have sex. My excuse was that I wasn't in the mood but the truth is, I was feeling down and had the ultimate dilemma a depressed person can have: I wanted to be left alone, but didn't want you to leave me alone. So what did I do? Well, you know what happened next. It hurt, god it hurt so badly, but I just wanted you to have fun, I didn't want you to leave me. You promised me that after we did it we'd go back to your place, eat food, and you would hold me. That was before I made the crucial mistake of crying during sex though, even though, even though I couldn't keep my eyes from tearing up from the pain. I scared you or made you uncomfortable or accidentally pushed you away; it's what I do best. After that, you told me to leave. All of a sudden you had a ton of "homework" to do. I went to that private school for my first two years of high school. I know how miserable it is and how the workload never lessens, but that was a sad excuse of a lie and we both know it.
Now you wonder why I've been so distant, why I'm always keeping you at arm's-length. Maybe it's true that I'm a messed up cynic, but you can't say that I don't have good reasons, not after what happened that night. I let you in, literally and figuratively, and I paid the price. I had already been feeling down and now it's almost as bad as it used to be. I can't sleep, even less than usual, so I get out of bed and do random stuff in my room, like cut. It's unhealthy. It's painful. It's sad and it's terrible. I do not recommend it for anyone. But for me? It's nothing more than another bad habit.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Bad Habit
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE
Dear Kellsie,
I know this is going to come as a huge surprise, but whenever things get bad or hard, I run. Like, fast and far. This goes for just about everything: relationships, school, extracurriculars, etc.
Last Friday night, I was hanging out in Jake's room with him and his roommate, Tom. We were all messing around and doing homework and then Tom had some girls over to help them with homework. I don't care if Jake hangs out with other girls, I really don't. That is, of course, assuming he doesn't lie about it or flirt with them, but I don't think that's too much to ask of a three year long relationship. Anyway, Jake asked this girl about her tattoo on her upper thigh and was looking at her legs for a long time. Spoiler: I am super self-conscious of my legs, I fucking hate them. Anyway, this was just after he lied about his "study session" with the girl I hate. I was going to sleep over that night, but Tom invited another one of his friends over to get high, which I don't care about at all; you do you. Jake said he was going to help me with my math homework, but then he and Tom started playing video games while I did business homework, so I left.
To give you some back story, Jake and I had just had a huge fight the night before. Also, I was in a shitton of pain because I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst that burst. Also, I took a codine that was fucking with my head. Due to these facts, excuse me, excuses, I left. I didn't want to deal with the human interaction it would take to finish the night and was pissed Jake was looking at that girl's tattoo for a long time. I was upset he didn't give me much attention. I was anxious and frustrated and in pain, so I left.
Today, I woke up to Tom's snapchat story of a girl in their room, who was obviously under an influence of some sort. Jake was there too, and was laughing at whatever she said and talking with them. Innocent enough, sure. It's just funny, because he told me he might invite me over if he got home early enough from his frat stuff. He said I never ask to come over, so I did, and he said maybe, which is fine. But then he never invited me over. Then there was a random girl in their room. Later on in Tom's snapchat story, Jake's friend was in his room too, and the girl was gone. Again, I never got a call or anything.
Jake said I overreact to everything, so I straight up asked him why he never invited me over and he told me it was because I fell asleep. Y'all. I fell asleep because I pulled an all-nighter the night before because we were fighting. He said I never came over or showed any effort, so I walked at four in the morning to see him. It was dark and cold and I thought I saw a creeper in a ski mask coming toward me (don't worry, it was just bad lighting). He knows I hate walking alone in the dark, but told me I could come anyway and made me feel guilty by saying "I know you won't." I rarely turn down a challenge. Anyway, I was tired and fell asleep at like eleven at night. It's just funny, again, because he got mad at me one time when I said I'd come over and didn't because he was asleep. Keep in mind, when I didn't come over, it was because it was late, like three in the morning, and he had an early class. I was trying to be nice, but I still got shit for it for weeks after. Oh, but when he does it, it's okay.
I don't think Jake would ever cheat on me in the traditional sense. For example, I don't think he'd just openly fuck another girl behind my back. But I do think he'd cheat on me emotionally, which doesn't really make sense I know. But I think he'd get the loving, sweet, funny shit from someone else that he's not getting from me. It's really sad, but when I saw that girl in his room, I was jealous. No, not because she's a girl, but because she made him laugh. I can't remember the last time Jake and I flirted and laughed together like we were best friends or even just dating. I try to make him laugh, I really do, and I know I can make guys laugh, because I've done it at parties or, if you think it's the alcohol, then I've made guys in my classes laugh before too. I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, which was problematic when I was younger, but now people understand it more and think I'm funny once they get to know me. But not Jake. I was jealous because here was this girl in his room, when he didn't invite me over, and they were laughing and having a good time. I understand that girls make their guy friends laugh, but it just made me sad to see her doing what I obviously can't anymore. The worst part is that I can't tell Jake any of this, because I'm afraid of him dumping me, which is not a good place to be in. I can't tell him I have a problem with him, because I'm on thin ice. And I can't make him laugh, because he takes my teasing as an insult now. What am I, his annoying six year old cousin?
I do not feel good about my relationship. The way Jake is feeling is how I've been feeling for months. It just sucks because he was always the one who was so sure of our relationship. He kept me sane and grounded and in line. He always made things better and made sure we were together. If he's out, then I'm done for good. If he is questioning our relationship, I'm in serious danger. I'm losing the only one who's ever really taken me in and cared about me. I've been a second choice my whole life until I met Jake and he made me feel wanted. I'll survive, I always do. It just sucks losing your rock. He wants me to be better, but keeps fucking around. It feels like what he really means is that he wants me to sit down and take whatever shit he does and that when I get mad, I'm crazy and he won't put up with it anymore. Do you know what would help though? If Jake were just honest and actually talked to me. If I didn't have to find out who he's with and what he's doing from other people. If he recognized everything I did and that I am truly doing my best. If we could go back in time and I could make him treat me the way he's used to. I know, that last one's kind of crazy but I figured since this is all hypothetical shit that's never going to happen, I might as well go all out.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I know this is going to come as a huge surprise, but whenever things get bad or hard, I run. Like, fast and far. This goes for just about everything: relationships, school, extracurriculars, etc.
Last Friday night, I was hanging out in Jake's room with him and his roommate, Tom. We were all messing around and doing homework and then Tom had some girls over to help them with homework. I don't care if Jake hangs out with other girls, I really don't. That is, of course, assuming he doesn't lie about it or flirt with them, but I don't think that's too much to ask of a three year long relationship. Anyway, Jake asked this girl about her tattoo on her upper thigh and was looking at her legs for a long time. Spoiler: I am super self-conscious of my legs, I fucking hate them. Anyway, this was just after he lied about his "study session" with the girl I hate. I was going to sleep over that night, but Tom invited another one of his friends over to get high, which I don't care about at all; you do you. Jake said he was going to help me with my math homework, but then he and Tom started playing video games while I did business homework, so I left.
To give you some back story, Jake and I had just had a huge fight the night before. Also, I was in a shitton of pain because I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst that burst. Also, I took a codine that was fucking with my head. Due to these facts, excuse me, excuses, I left. I didn't want to deal with the human interaction it would take to finish the night and was pissed Jake was looking at that girl's tattoo for a long time. I was upset he didn't give me much attention. I was anxious and frustrated and in pain, so I left.
Today, I woke up to Tom's snapchat story of a girl in their room, who was obviously under an influence of some sort. Jake was there too, and was laughing at whatever she said and talking with them. Innocent enough, sure. It's just funny, because he told me he might invite me over if he got home early enough from his frat stuff. He said I never ask to come over, so I did, and he said maybe, which is fine. But then he never invited me over. Then there was a random girl in their room. Later on in Tom's snapchat story, Jake's friend was in his room too, and the girl was gone. Again, I never got a call or anything.
Jake said I overreact to everything, so I straight up asked him why he never invited me over and he told me it was because I fell asleep. Y'all. I fell asleep because I pulled an all-nighter the night before because we were fighting. He said I never came over or showed any effort, so I walked at four in the morning to see him. It was dark and cold and I thought I saw a creeper in a ski mask coming toward me (don't worry, it was just bad lighting). He knows I hate walking alone in the dark, but told me I could come anyway and made me feel guilty by saying "I know you won't." I rarely turn down a challenge. Anyway, I was tired and fell asleep at like eleven at night. It's just funny, again, because he got mad at me one time when I said I'd come over and didn't because he was asleep. Keep in mind, when I didn't come over, it was because it was late, like three in the morning, and he had an early class. I was trying to be nice, but I still got shit for it for weeks after. Oh, but when he does it, it's okay.
I don't think Jake would ever cheat on me in the traditional sense. For example, I don't think he'd just openly fuck another girl behind my back. But I do think he'd cheat on me emotionally, which doesn't really make sense I know. But I think he'd get the loving, sweet, funny shit from someone else that he's not getting from me. It's really sad, but when I saw that girl in his room, I was jealous. No, not because she's a girl, but because she made him laugh. I can't remember the last time Jake and I flirted and laughed together like we were best friends or even just dating. I try to make him laugh, I really do, and I know I can make guys laugh, because I've done it at parties or, if you think it's the alcohol, then I've made guys in my classes laugh before too. I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, which was problematic when I was younger, but now people understand it more and think I'm funny once they get to know me. But not Jake. I was jealous because here was this girl in his room, when he didn't invite me over, and they were laughing and having a good time. I understand that girls make their guy friends laugh, but it just made me sad to see her doing what I obviously can't anymore. The worst part is that I can't tell Jake any of this, because I'm afraid of him dumping me, which is not a good place to be in. I can't tell him I have a problem with him, because I'm on thin ice. And I can't make him laugh, because he takes my teasing as an insult now. What am I, his annoying six year old cousin?
I do not feel good about my relationship. The way Jake is feeling is how I've been feeling for months. It just sucks because he was always the one who was so sure of our relationship. He kept me sane and grounded and in line. He always made things better and made sure we were together. If he's out, then I'm done for good. If he is questioning our relationship, I'm in serious danger. I'm losing the only one who's ever really taken me in and cared about me. I've been a second choice my whole life until I met Jake and he made me feel wanted. I'll survive, I always do. It just sucks losing your rock. He wants me to be better, but keeps fucking around. It feels like what he really means is that he wants me to sit down and take whatever shit he does and that when I get mad, I'm crazy and he won't put up with it anymore. Do you know what would help though? If Jake were just honest and actually talked to me. If I didn't have to find out who he's with and what he's doing from other people. If he recognized everything I did and that I am truly doing my best. If we could go back in time and I could make him treat me the way he's used to. I know, that last one's kind of crazy but I figured since this is all hypothetical shit that's never going to happen, I might as well go all out.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Monday, November 13, 2017
The Perfect Girl
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfNVawIw9TM
Dear Kellsie,
I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.
A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.
Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.
From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.
My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.
A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.
Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.
From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.
My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Selfish
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_aCcG6SjH4
Dear Kellsie,
I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.
This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.
The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.
Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.
This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.
The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.
Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
The Longest Time
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4AkBdlzcpU
Dear Kellsie,
Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.
This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.
To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.
For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.
This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.
To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.
For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Bad Call
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4
Dear Kellsie,
With the whole "you don't love Jake" drunken thing come to light, I've started thinking. Like, more than the usual amount. Was it just because I was drunk, or was there truth behind it? I haven't talked about this in a while, because it was a terrible time in my life, but Jake and I did briefly break up last year. I went on the rebound and hooked up with two guys. Breaking up with Jake and what I did while we were broken up is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
Now that we're back together and in college, though, things have been better. Well, at least my sober self thinks so. I went to one of Jake's frat's parties and met a guy there, Rogelio. We talked while Jake played beer pong and had been talking as friends; there were no issues, it was just good old-fashioned platonic friendship. Then, as I always do when things are good, I fucked up. I got drunk at my friend's birthday party and instead of calling Jake for a ride, I called Rogelio. In my defense, I knew Jake was hanging out with some actives and that he doesn't have a car, so I didn't want to bug him. Still, I should have called him or at least talked to him and kept him updated on what was happening.
Megan, my sorority sister, Rogelio, and I all went to get insomnia cookies and went back to my room to play uno, my favorite game of all time. After that night, Rogelio talked to me more than usual and we hung out at the library with some other people until about four in the morning, without Jake. Then, I went to Jake's frat's Halloween party. Rogelio was there and we took a photo together, but didn't dance or anything. The next day, Rogelio sent me the photo of us and said my outfit was on point. Keep in mind my outfit was a slutty costume. He started getting flirty, so I told Jake about it and he got pissed. This made sense. I mean, I had been kind of sketchy and who likes it when their frat brother hits on their girlfriend? Needless to say, I stopped talking to Rogelio.
I'm just confused now. When I was talking to Rogelio and he got flirty, I didn't care. I mean, it bugged me, because he knew I had a boyfriend and that my boyfriend is his frat brother, but I didn't have feelings for him at all or even enjoy the attention. Right before Jake and I broke up, I was getting hit on by some guys and I felt guilty because I liked it. I liked that someone besides my boyfriend of one year at the time was into me. So I broke up with Jake. But that's not how this is. I feel safe in my relationship and don't want anyone else. I don't have feelings for anyone else and can't imagine life without Jake. But does someone who's happy in their relationship tell their friends they don't love their boyfriend while they're drunk? If I really were happy, wouldn't I be crazy about him while I was drunk and be all over him? Then I start to think: do I call him dumb and say that stuff because of my personality or because the truth comes out when I'm drunk? I have no idea and it's driving me nuts.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
With the whole "you don't love Jake" drunken thing come to light, I've started thinking. Like, more than the usual amount. Was it just because I was drunk, or was there truth behind it? I haven't talked about this in a while, because it was a terrible time in my life, but Jake and I did briefly break up last year. I went on the rebound and hooked up with two guys. Breaking up with Jake and what I did while we were broken up is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
Now that we're back together and in college, though, things have been better. Well, at least my sober self thinks so. I went to one of Jake's frat's parties and met a guy there, Rogelio. We talked while Jake played beer pong and had been talking as friends; there were no issues, it was just good old-fashioned platonic friendship. Then, as I always do when things are good, I fucked up. I got drunk at my friend's birthday party and instead of calling Jake for a ride, I called Rogelio. In my defense, I knew Jake was hanging out with some actives and that he doesn't have a car, so I didn't want to bug him. Still, I should have called him or at least talked to him and kept him updated on what was happening.
Megan, my sorority sister, Rogelio, and I all went to get insomnia cookies and went back to my room to play uno, my favorite game of all time. After that night, Rogelio talked to me more than usual and we hung out at the library with some other people until about four in the morning, without Jake. Then, I went to Jake's frat's Halloween party. Rogelio was there and we took a photo together, but didn't dance or anything. The next day, Rogelio sent me the photo of us and said my outfit was on point. Keep in mind my outfit was a slutty costume. He started getting flirty, so I told Jake about it and he got pissed. This made sense. I mean, I had been kind of sketchy and who likes it when their frat brother hits on their girlfriend? Needless to say, I stopped talking to Rogelio.
I'm just confused now. When I was talking to Rogelio and he got flirty, I didn't care. I mean, it bugged me, because he knew I had a boyfriend and that my boyfriend is his frat brother, but I didn't have feelings for him at all or even enjoy the attention. Right before Jake and I broke up, I was getting hit on by some guys and I felt guilty because I liked it. I liked that someone besides my boyfriend of one year at the time was into me. So I broke up with Jake. But that's not how this is. I feel safe in my relationship and don't want anyone else. I don't have feelings for anyone else and can't imagine life without Jake. But does someone who's happy in their relationship tell their friends they don't love their boyfriend while they're drunk? If I really were happy, wouldn't I be crazy about him while I was drunk and be all over him? Then I start to think: do I call him dumb and say that stuff because of my personality or because the truth comes out when I'm drunk? I have no idea and it's driving me nuts.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Another One
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4ixCtzUBoo
Dear Kellsie,
Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.
I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.
I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?
I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.
I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.
I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?
I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Tonight
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc4lvUeM0sE
I love when you sneak in
And pin me against the wall
This beautiful sin
What happens when our clothes fall
Our dirty little secret
Only for you and me to share
I don't expect you to keep it
Not after you pull my hair
Come over late tonight
I love when you sneak in
And pin me against the wall
This beautiful sin
What happens when our clothes fall
Our dirty little secret
Only for you and me to share
I don't expect you to keep it
Not after you pull my hair
Come over late tonight
Make me beg for it
Fuck me until the morning light
You're my perfect fit
You're my perfect fit
Silence except our moans
Give them something to hear
I love when you groan
Right in this moment I have no fear
Personal Problem
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyy3YOpxL2k&list=RDBimd2nZirT4&index=2
Dear Kellsie,
I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.
Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?
You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.
I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.
Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?
You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.
I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.
Sincerely,
Alice.
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