Leave.

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bimd2nZirT4&list=RDBimd2nZirT4

Dear Kellsie,

It was never supposed to be like this. Usually when I have a problem, I know where it comes from and either can find a way to fix it, or figure out how to accept it. This isn't the case right now. I am hurt and alone and empty and have no idea how to fix it, or if I can even be fixed.

I hate when Jake comes over just to have sex. I hate when we have sex and he leaves afterward. But I love it so much. For a brief fifteen minutes, I have his undivided attention. For those fifteen minutes, I am all he thinks about and all he wants. For those fifteen minutes, I am not alone. After the sweat has dried and he is no longer inside me, I am as empty as ever. When he leaves, I sit on the cold tile bathroom floor and curl up in a ball. No, I do not cry. I simply take a moment and sit in the silent darkness and don't think about anything. I just let myself be.

I know it's my fault. I'm the one who asks him to come over just to fuck and then tell him to leave. Why, you may be wondering, do I ask him to come over and fuck if I don't want him to just come over and fuck me? Good question. Let me know when you figure it out. My theory, that many therapists have helped me concoct, is that I want intimacy, but don't know how to get it and get freaked out when I come close to having it. The truth is, I just want someone here. I want him to be here and I know one thing that will make him come over every time.

Once he's here, I hesitate to have sex, because I don't actually want to just have sex. I want him to talk to me and want to be here. I just want him to want me, which is something no one has ever done for me before. I've never been anyone's first pick. Then, after I eventually do give in, I want it to be over as soon as possible. It's not that it doesn't feel good, because I know it should, or that I don't like him, because I do. It's just how I am. That's all the explanation I can give you and I'm sorry because I know it's not near enough. If I understood it any better than you do I'd tell you.

I'm going to end it here because I'm tired in the worst way. I don't know what else to say. My mind is swimming and for the first time, writing doesn't even make me feel better. I had my first panic attack tonight in months. I almost forgot how draining those are. Almost.

Sincerely,
Alice.