Having a Mental Illness is Like...

Song I wrote to: Nothing. Just the violence inside my head.

Dear Kellsie,

I know it's been a minute since I've written but I'm drunk and feel like it. Tonight's topic is about mental health. Wow; refreshing, I know. I know mental health illnesses are all over the world and seem like a right of passage for a lot of girls my age but let me break it down for you. Let me tell you what a mental health illness is really like. Let me tell you what multiple mental health illnesses are like.

Tonight, my boyfriend of three years came over. We fucked. It was fun. Sure. Whatever. That's what a mental health illness is like. After he was through, I kicked him out. No, really, I kicked his ass to the curb. That's what a mental heath illness is like. He asked if I was mad at him. I told him no, I wasn't. He said I was acting as though I were upset with him. I told him no, now get the fuck out and go home. I was being honest; my issue is not with him, it's with myself. That's what having a mental illness is like.

We decided he would do homework while I ate my dinner since he has a weird schedule and eats later. He bought me food and we took it up to my room. I chewed gum. I drank ice cold water. I dug my nails into my hands for hours. He asked periodically why I hadn't eaten. I lied. That's what having a mental illness is like. I lied. I lied again. I lied some more. That's what having a mental illness is like. I either drink or smoke every single night to avoid facing myself. That's what having a mental illness is like. I write and rewrite and delete and write again. I speak and write in simple sentences. I second guess every decision and thought that I have. I expect the worst of people and push away everyone who has the potential to actually care about me. That's what having a mental illness is like.

Tumblr. Weheartit. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Every internet forum ever. These are places that can and do glorify eating disorders and other mental health illnesses. Let me tell you, firsthand, how terrible mental diseases are. They aren't cool. They aren't okay. They. Are. Miserable. Let me say it again for the people in the back: THEY. ARE. MISERABLE. No matter how "perfect" the girls who are re-blogged look, mental illnesses. are. horrible. Please don't let yourself fall captive to one. It's an illness; something missing in your body; just as scary and life-threatening as cancer. You wouldn't want to have cancer, right? Right. And you don't want any mental health illness. Run. Run as fast as you can. Writing a whole post drunk and ignoring every word underlined in red because you just don't care. Watching your life go to shit and just not caring. Letting and making terrible things happen to yourself and just not caring. That is what having a mental illness is like. Run. Run as far away from it as you can and then send back help for the rest of us even though I'm just a lost cause. Run. Run for those of us who can't. Because that is what having a mental illnesss is like.

Sincerely,
Alice.