Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfNVawIw9TM
Dear Kellsie,
I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.
A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.
Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.
From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.
My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Friday, November 10, 2017
Selfish
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_aCcG6SjH4
Dear Kellsie,
I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.
This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.
The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.
Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.
This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.
The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.
Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
The Longest Time
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4AkBdlzcpU
Dear Kellsie,
Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.
This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.
To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.
For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
Communication is key. That's what they say and damn is it true. Sometimes, saying too much is a bad call but sometimes, I just don't say enough. Actually, that's not true. I rarely ever say enough. I bottle things up until it hurts not only myself, but those around me as well.
This weekend is presentation for my sorority. The parents of the newly initiated members are supposed to come down. The dads escort the daughters and it's real cute. They have a slide show and it's a whole ordeal, mostly for the parents, since they can't be there for initiation, what with it being all secretive information and all, but it's also important for new members. Unfortunately, it also happens to be family weekend at my brother's college, and he's a senior so it's a big deal for him as well and his weekend was planned long before mine.
To be honest, I'm actually really sad my parents aren't coming. I'm sad for myself, but also for my dad. I know how cool it would be for him, since he's always talking about how I'm the first from our family and his side of the family to ever be in a sorority and he's super proud. He used to make fun of me and put me down so much for being too girly. He didn't want me to be a dancer, so I played softball, even though I really didn't want to. He didn't want me to wear makeup, so for the longest time I didn't wear makeup. But after we moved to Texas, I think he may have realized that being girly isn't such a bad thing after all. My cousin, his goddaughter, was the exact girl he didn't want me to be, but he absolutely adored her. I swear, she was the daughter he always wanted but never had, even though that was his own doing.
For the longest time, I did what I thought would make him like me. I wanted his approval so fucking badly that I did whatever he told me to do. I went against what I wanted because I was his child. He never gave me the approval I so desperately wanted, so eventually I said fuck it. That's when I went completely off the wagon. I started dating Jake, who finally gave me the confidence I needed to wear the goddam makeup and do what I had wanted to do for so long. Now, my dad and I are in a better place, but I obviously still have a lot of anger toward him. But am I ever going to let him know that? Of course not. I'm not the type to speak up and make my life better. Maybe that's why he'll never really love me.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Bad Call
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4
Dear Kellsie,
With the whole "you don't love Jake" drunken thing come to light, I've started thinking. Like, more than the usual amount. Was it just because I was drunk, or was there truth behind it? I haven't talked about this in a while, because it was a terrible time in my life, but Jake and I did briefly break up last year. I went on the rebound and hooked up with two guys. Breaking up with Jake and what I did while we were broken up is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
Now that we're back together and in college, though, things have been better. Well, at least my sober self thinks so. I went to one of Jake's frat's parties and met a guy there, Rogelio. We talked while Jake played beer pong and had been talking as friends; there were no issues, it was just good old-fashioned platonic friendship. Then, as I always do when things are good, I fucked up. I got drunk at my friend's birthday party and instead of calling Jake for a ride, I called Rogelio. In my defense, I knew Jake was hanging out with some actives and that he doesn't have a car, so I didn't want to bug him. Still, I should have called him or at least talked to him and kept him updated on what was happening.
Megan, my sorority sister, Rogelio, and I all went to get insomnia cookies and went back to my room to play uno, my favorite game of all time. After that night, Rogelio talked to me more than usual and we hung out at the library with some other people until about four in the morning, without Jake. Then, I went to Jake's frat's Halloween party. Rogelio was there and we took a photo together, but didn't dance or anything. The next day, Rogelio sent me the photo of us and said my outfit was on point. Keep in mind my outfit was a slutty costume. He started getting flirty, so I told Jake about it and he got pissed. This made sense. I mean, I had been kind of sketchy and who likes it when their frat brother hits on their girlfriend? Needless to say, I stopped talking to Rogelio.
I'm just confused now. When I was talking to Rogelio and he got flirty, I didn't care. I mean, it bugged me, because he knew I had a boyfriend and that my boyfriend is his frat brother, but I didn't have feelings for him at all or even enjoy the attention. Right before Jake and I broke up, I was getting hit on by some guys and I felt guilty because I liked it. I liked that someone besides my boyfriend of one year at the time was into me. So I broke up with Jake. But that's not how this is. I feel safe in my relationship and don't want anyone else. I don't have feelings for anyone else and can't imagine life without Jake. But does someone who's happy in their relationship tell their friends they don't love their boyfriend while they're drunk? If I really were happy, wouldn't I be crazy about him while I was drunk and be all over him? Then I start to think: do I call him dumb and say that stuff because of my personality or because the truth comes out when I'm drunk? I have no idea and it's driving me nuts.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
With the whole "you don't love Jake" drunken thing come to light, I've started thinking. Like, more than the usual amount. Was it just because I was drunk, or was there truth behind it? I haven't talked about this in a while, because it was a terrible time in my life, but Jake and I did briefly break up last year. I went on the rebound and hooked up with two guys. Breaking up with Jake and what I did while we were broken up is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
Now that we're back together and in college, though, things have been better. Well, at least my sober self thinks so. I went to one of Jake's frat's parties and met a guy there, Rogelio. We talked while Jake played beer pong and had been talking as friends; there were no issues, it was just good old-fashioned platonic friendship. Then, as I always do when things are good, I fucked up. I got drunk at my friend's birthday party and instead of calling Jake for a ride, I called Rogelio. In my defense, I knew Jake was hanging out with some actives and that he doesn't have a car, so I didn't want to bug him. Still, I should have called him or at least talked to him and kept him updated on what was happening.
Megan, my sorority sister, Rogelio, and I all went to get insomnia cookies and went back to my room to play uno, my favorite game of all time. After that night, Rogelio talked to me more than usual and we hung out at the library with some other people until about four in the morning, without Jake. Then, I went to Jake's frat's Halloween party. Rogelio was there and we took a photo together, but didn't dance or anything. The next day, Rogelio sent me the photo of us and said my outfit was on point. Keep in mind my outfit was a slutty costume. He started getting flirty, so I told Jake about it and he got pissed. This made sense. I mean, I had been kind of sketchy and who likes it when their frat brother hits on their girlfriend? Needless to say, I stopped talking to Rogelio.
I'm just confused now. When I was talking to Rogelio and he got flirty, I didn't care. I mean, it bugged me, because he knew I had a boyfriend and that my boyfriend is his frat brother, but I didn't have feelings for him at all or even enjoy the attention. Right before Jake and I broke up, I was getting hit on by some guys and I felt guilty because I liked it. I liked that someone besides my boyfriend of one year at the time was into me. So I broke up with Jake. But that's not how this is. I feel safe in my relationship and don't want anyone else. I don't have feelings for anyone else and can't imagine life without Jake. But does someone who's happy in their relationship tell their friends they don't love their boyfriend while they're drunk? If I really were happy, wouldn't I be crazy about him while I was drunk and be all over him? Then I start to think: do I call him dumb and say that stuff because of my personality or because the truth comes out when I'm drunk? I have no idea and it's driving me nuts.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Another One
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4ixCtzUBoo
Dear Kellsie,
Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.
I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.
I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?
I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
Life has been hectic lately. Crazy, but good at the same time. Classes, not so good. But, as I have had to learn the hard way, life is about balance, not just grades and GPA. Although yes, those are important too. As we all know however, with good comes bad. Let me tell you about the bad, since that's what I tend to focus on anyway.
I'm not sure what to do about my relationships, well, my relationship with Jake to be specific. I went to his frat's party on Saturday and drank... a bit. When I was having dinner with my friend Kat yesterday, she asked me if I remembered our conversation on the couch at the party. To be honest, no, I have little recollection of that time. Apparently, though. I told her that I didn't really love Jake, and that I was only with him because I was afraid of being alone. She told me I needed to slow down on the drinks, and I said I couldn't because I hated my life and needed more vodka. Wow. That's a lot for someone who's a complete control freak like myself. When I got home, Jake came over and told me that I told him I didn't love him when I was drunk, which backs up what Kat said.
I honestly don't understand what the hell happened. I called you, Kellsie, and told you everything. The thing is, I do care about Jake. Really, I do. I'm just not an affectionate or emotional person, like, at all. So when he does nice things or compliments me, I call him a dummy or shitthead rather than saying thanks. I asked you why I'm always like this and you said it's because I tend to, "self-sabotage" and "push everything good away." Shit. Should I be paying you for these therapy sessions?
I just feel really terrible. Jake deserves so much more than what I've been giving him, and I know that. But I just can't stop. I really can't and believe me, I've been trying to. I don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to stop it. I mean, the party was so fun (from what I remember). I danced on a freaking stripper pole with one of my closest friends. I drank and hung out with so many amazing people. I had a genuinely good time. So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why couldn't I just let a good night be a good night? Why do I always, always, make people who care about me feel like shit? I wish I knew how to figure it out so I could put a stop to it.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Tonight
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc4lvUeM0sE
I love when you sneak in
And pin me against the wall
This beautiful sin
What happens when our clothes fall
Our dirty little secret
Only for you and me to share
I don't expect you to keep it
Not after you pull my hair
Come over late tonight
I love when you sneak in
And pin me against the wall
This beautiful sin
What happens when our clothes fall
Our dirty little secret
Only for you and me to share
I don't expect you to keep it
Not after you pull my hair
Come over late tonight
Make me beg for it
Fuck me until the morning light
You're my perfect fit
You're my perfect fit
Silence except our moans
Give them something to hear
I love when you groan
Right in this moment I have no fear
Personal Problem
Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyy3YOpxL2k&list=RDBimd2nZirT4&index=2
Dear Kellsie,
I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.
Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?
You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.
I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.
Sincerely,
Alice.
Dear Kellsie,
I just wanted you to love me. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to be treated by a real man. You were supposed to guide me and show me what it means to be wanted and loved. But you didn't. You never did. You didn't want me. I paid for it then and am still paying for it now. You never gave me one-on-one attention and you were never there for me. I had no one to talk to. I'd see all my friends and other girls going out with their dads and where was mine? Traveling? At a baseball game for the boys? Watching TV upstairs with the door closed? You didn't care or give me the time of day until it was almost too late.
Now I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to talk to you so badly. I want a relationship with you so bad. But the years of growing a relationship that other girls had with their dad is lost for me. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to do the things I do for attention. I wish I knew the right way to do things to make myself happy. I wish I were happy. I wish I were the one who could give myself happiness. I wish I didn't have to search so hard. I wish, I wish, I wish. What good is it?
You've made me "that girl." The one with daddy issues. The one who people love at parties where everyone is drunk and best friends with each other. But once the sun comes up? I'm the annoying one people wish would go away. I've been dating Jake almost three years and I still can't let him in. I do everything I know how to pull him closer but end up pushing him farther and farther away. And why? Maybe because no one ever showed me how to do it the right way.
I know this is unfair. I can't blame all my issues on you. I even understand that you were doing your best. Yes, you were gone all the time, but you had to work so we could eat. Yes, you moved our family every two years or so, but you needed to for your job. What about everything else though? You encouraged my brothers and told them they could be whatever they wanted. But when it came to my sister and me? Nothing. Radio silence. Maybe you just didn't know how to relate and bond with girls. I honestly have no idea. Maybe you're the one who needed therapy. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea.
Sincerely,
Alice.
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