Having a Mental Illness is Like...

Song I wrote to: Nothing. Just the violence inside my head.

Dear Kellsie,

I know it's been a minute since I've written but I'm drunk and feel like it. Tonight's topic is about mental health. Wow; refreshing, I know. I know mental health illnesses are all over the world and seem like a right of passage for a lot of girls my age but let me break it down for you. Let me tell you what a mental health illness is really like. Let me tell you what multiple mental health illnesses are like.

Tonight, my boyfriend of three years came over. We fucked. It was fun. Sure. Whatever. That's what a mental health illness is like. After he was through, I kicked him out. No, really, I kicked his ass to the curb. That's what a mental heath illness is like. He asked if I was mad at him. I told him no, I wasn't. He said I was acting as though I were upset with him. I told him no, now get the fuck out and go home. I was being honest; my issue is not with him, it's with myself. That's what having a mental illness is like.

We decided he would do homework while I ate my dinner since he has a weird schedule and eats later. He bought me food and we took it up to my room. I chewed gum. I drank ice cold water. I dug my nails into my hands for hours. He asked periodically why I hadn't eaten. I lied. That's what having a mental illness is like. I lied. I lied again. I lied some more. That's what having a mental illness is like. I either drink or smoke every single night to avoid facing myself. That's what having a mental illness is like. I write and rewrite and delete and write again. I speak and write in simple sentences. I second guess every decision and thought that I have. I expect the worst of people and push away everyone who has the potential to actually care about me. That's what having a mental illness is like.

Tumblr. Weheartit. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Every internet forum ever. These are places that can and do glorify eating disorders and other mental health illnesses. Let me tell you, firsthand, how terrible mental diseases are. They aren't cool. They aren't okay. They. Are. Miserable. Let me say it again for the people in the back: THEY. ARE. MISERABLE. No matter how "perfect" the girls who are re-blogged look, mental illnesses. are. horrible. Please don't let yourself fall captive to one. It's an illness; something missing in your body; just as scary and life-threatening as cancer. You wouldn't want to have cancer, right? Right. And you don't want any mental health illness. Run. Run as fast as you can. Writing a whole post drunk and ignoring every word underlined in red because you just don't care. Watching your life go to shit and just not caring. Letting and making terrible things happen to yourself and just not caring. That is what having a mental illness is like. Run. Run as far away from it as you can and then send back help for the rest of us even though I'm just a lost cause. Run. Run for those of us who can't. Because that is what having a mental illnesss is like.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Lost

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRXO77hJGKA

Dear Kellsie,

I hate the emphasis the United States puts on our education system. I get it, we don't want to be a bunch of dumb asses, I really do. But calm the hell down. Seriously. Calm yourself.

People are worth so much more than their GPA. In the long run, it doesn't matter what you did in your high school classroom. It doesn't matter what activities you were involved in. No one gives a fuck if you were student body president or prom queen or whatever gives you a bump up on the social ladder. Let me say it again because I feel like it's crucial people understand this: No. One. Gives. A. Fuck. No one. Everyone is so worried about what they are doing and how they look that they don't give you a second glance. Stop worrying about what other people think and focus on yourself. In the end, you have to spend the rest of your life with who you are, not who you think everyone else wants you to be.

I wish we could be a little bit more like children. When you ask a little kid what they want to be when they grow up, they rarely hesitate. They don't think "well, I'd like to be a princess, but the logistics just really aren't working out in my favor." They don't think like that because it doesn't cross their mind that they "can't." They know they're amazing and they can do anything so they look you right in the eye and tell you what they're going to be. They know what they want and that they have no boundaries or limitations and they fucking own it. They're also happy. Like, all the damn time. Their little minds go a mile a minute and they live with no fear and no regrets. Why can't we all be like that? At what point in our lives do we become convinced we "can't?" When do we go from princess to store manager? Is it school? What our parents end up telling us? Reality hitting just a bit too hard? We go from "follow your dreams" to "make money" in the blink of an eye. I wish I were the type of person to live fearlessly and dive in head first. It's never too late to change, but we rarely ever do. Why? Why is that?

Sincerely,
Alice.

Second Again

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXYSD65UpSg

Dear Kellsie,

I'm buzzed right now. Then again, what else is new? I rely on alcohol to keep me happy in a way nothing else can. It's not just the buzz that I like though. No, I like the clarity of it. I know that seems backwards, since it messes with your head, but it gives me courage and strength and a sense of what I really want. When I'm drunk, I say exactly what I mean. My thoughts and head aren't in the way anymore. I like to drink for so many reasons, but my primary one is that I finally have the balls to say what I mean without fear.

Jake never invites me over. We had this huge fight about how he always comes over to my place, but then he never invites me to his. The thing is, his roommate constantly has girls over. Sometimes, his roommate will have girls over and Jake will invite his guy friend over to hang out. It's like they have this high school party and I'm the only chick left out, which is ironic considering the fact that I'm the one who sucks his dick but whatever. I'm a second choice again. How refreshing.

I went to this event with a speaker that all the sorority girls had to go to. At the end, this athlete came out and took off his shirt to convince the girls to go to the football games. As I've said in the past, I'm extremely loyal. I didn't even look at the guy, even though all the girls were screaming. I have no interest in someone who isn't mine, so I didn't care. But Jake got mad at me anyway. Today, his roommate posted a video of Jake watching a TV show with a lot of female nudity and they were laughing about seeing tits. Classy. Funny how the rules only apply to me.

I drank vodka tonight specifically because I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore. My head wants nothing to do with it. My heart hates being alone. My head knows I'm being treated like shit and that this whole thing isn't working anymore. My heart hates being alone. My head says "no, you're riding for five hours each way for Thanksgiving together, don't make that awkward." My heart says, "please don't leave me alone." I don't know what to do. I don't want a repeat of junior year where I go around fucking with random guys because I have no self-esteem. My best friends are both single. Maybe we could all have fun together. Maybe I need to get over my fear.

I'm still in the business school, which is good because I need to make my own money so I don't rely on Jake too much. Right now Jake and his roommate have about four people over. It looks like a lot of fun, from what his roommate showed me. The one time I was invited over was when Jake's guy friend was there and invited me. I hate being a second choice. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Mistake

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ

Dear Kellsie,

It's been getting bad again lately. I know I am surrounded by people, but I feel so alone all the time. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it. You just don't get it, you'll never understand it, but I guess that's something I should be grateful for; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I really wouldn't. One of my main issues is that I have a hard time reaching out to people. But you already knew that. Instead of pulling people I should love closer to me in my time of need, I push them away. I'm sorry. Blinded by my own pain, I hurt you. Last night was the worst I've had in a while. For the first time in months, I self-harmed. Scissors on my right hip, a sweet spot with thin skin so I feel the pain right away. It was almost like I was on auto-pilot; I didn't really think about what I was doing or what it meant, before I knew it I was bleeding and trying to pull myself together.

Sunday night was date night for us. Ever since you started working, I've been on the backburner more than ever before. You know how much I hate being a second choice; I've been everyone's backup for seventeen years, I want more than that, especially from you. I guess it's my fault for breaking up with you. Before we broke up, you were the perfect boyfriend. That's not even a hyperbole, you were honestly that good. You called exactly when you said you would, gave me all the love and affection a girl could want while still giving me my own space, and were loyal and faithful. But, in case you haven't heard by now, I'm sick. I went off my medication because they make me feel nauseous and I was tired of being the "crazy" girl who took six pills a night, so I cut them out. I thought I could handle it, but it was a mistake, to say the least. I messed around while we were broken up. I know you did too, but you only did it because I pushed you away so much and told you to move on. I did it even though we were still talking as friends because I was so lonely and wanted attention from someone less perfect. God, how messed up is that? 

Ever since we got back together, you haven't been the same. Neither have I though, I guess. When we went out on Sunday, we smoked and were messing around in the back seat of your car. I told you I didn't want to have sex. My excuse was that I wasn't in the mood but the truth is, I was feeling down and had the ultimate dilemma a depressed person can have: I wanted to be left alone, but didn't want you to leave me alone. So what did I do? Well, you know what happened next. It hurt, god it hurt so badly, but I just wanted you to have fun, I didn't want you to leave me. You promised me that after we did it we'd go back to your place, eat food, and you would hold me. That was before I made the crucial mistake of crying during sex though, even though, even though I couldn't keep my eyes from tearing up from the pain. I scared you or made you uncomfortable or accidentally pushed you away; it's what I do best. After that, you told me to leave. All of a sudden you had a ton of "homework" to do. I went to that private school for my first two years of high school. I know how miserable it is and how the workload never lessens, but that was a sad excuse of a lie and we both know it.

Now you wonder why I've been so distant, why I'm always keeping you at arm's-length. Maybe it's true that I'm a messed up cynic, but you can't say that I don't have good reasons, not after what happened that night. I let you in, literally and figuratively, and I paid the price. I had already been feeling down and now it's almost as bad as it used to be. I can't sleep, even less than usual, so I get out of bed and do random stuff in my room, like cut. It's unhealthy. It's painful. It's sad and it's terrible. I do not recommend it for anyone. But for me? It's nothing more than another bad habit.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Bad Habit

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE

Dear Kellsie,

I know this is going to come as a huge surprise, but whenever things get bad or hard, I run. Like, fast and far. This goes for just about everything: relationships, school, extracurriculars, etc.

Last Friday night, I was hanging out in Jake's room with him and his roommate, Tom. We were all messing around and doing homework and then Tom had some girls over to help them with homework. I don't care if Jake hangs out with other girls, I really don't. That is, of course, assuming he doesn't lie about it or flirt with them, but I don't think that's too much to ask of a three year long relationship. Anyway, Jake asked this girl about her tattoo on her upper thigh and was looking at her legs for a long time. Spoiler: I am super self-conscious of my legs, I fucking hate them. Anyway, this was just after he lied about his "study session" with the girl I hate. I was going to sleep over that night, but Tom invited another one of his friends over to get high, which I don't care about at all; you do you. Jake said he was going to help me with my math homework, but then he and Tom started playing video games while I did business homework, so I left.

To give you some back story, Jake and I had just had a huge fight the night before. Also, I was in a shitton of pain because I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst that burst. Also, I took a codine that was fucking with my head. Due to these facts, excuse me, excuses, I left. I didn't want to deal with the human interaction it would take to finish the night and was pissed Jake was looking at that girl's tattoo for a long time. I was upset he didn't give me much attention. I was anxious and frustrated and in pain, so I left.

Today, I woke up to Tom's snapchat story of a girl in their room, who was obviously under an influence of some sort. Jake was there too, and was laughing at whatever she said and talking with them. Innocent enough, sure. It's just funny, because he told me he might invite me over if he got home early enough from his frat stuff. He said I never ask to come over, so I did, and he said maybe, which is fine. But then he never invited me over. Then there was a random girl in their room. Later on in Tom's snapchat story, Jake's friend was in his room too, and the girl was gone. Again, I never got a call or anything.

Jake said I overreact to everything, so I straight up asked him why he never invited me over and he told me it was because I fell asleep. Y'all. I fell asleep because I pulled an all-nighter the night before because we were fighting. He said I never came over or showed any effort, so I walked at four in the morning to see him. It was dark and cold and I thought I saw a creeper in a ski mask coming toward me (don't worry, it was just bad lighting). He knows I hate walking alone in the dark, but told me I could come anyway and made me feel guilty by saying "I know you won't." I rarely turn down a challenge. Anyway, I was tired and fell asleep at like eleven at night. It's just funny, again, because he got mad at me one time when I said I'd come over and didn't because he was asleep. Keep in mind, when I didn't come over, it was because it was late, like three in the morning, and he had an early class. I was trying to be nice, but I still got shit for it for weeks after. Oh, but when he does it, it's okay.

I don't think Jake would ever cheat on me in the traditional sense. For example, I don't think he'd just openly fuck another girl behind my back. But I do think he'd cheat on me emotionally, which doesn't really make sense I know. But I think he'd get the loving, sweet, funny shit from someone else that he's not getting from me. It's really sad, but when I saw that girl in his room, I was jealous. No, not because she's a girl, but because she made him laugh. I can't remember the last time Jake and I flirted and laughed together like we were best friends or even just dating. I try to make him laugh, I really do, and I know I can make guys laugh, because I've done it at parties or, if you think it's the alcohol, then I've made guys in my classes laugh before too. I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, which was problematic when I was younger, but now people understand it more and think I'm funny once they get to know me. But not Jake. I was jealous because here was this girl in his room, when he didn't invite me over, and they were laughing and having a good time. I understand that girls make their guy friends laugh, but it just made me sad to see her doing what I obviously can't anymore. The worst part is that I can't tell Jake any of this, because I'm afraid of him dumping me, which is not a good place to be in. I can't tell him I have a problem with him, because I'm on thin ice. And I can't make him laugh, because he takes my teasing as an insult now. What am I, his annoying six year old cousin?

I do not feel good about my relationship. The way Jake is feeling is how I've been feeling for months. It just sucks because he was always the one who was so sure of our relationship. He kept me sane and grounded and in line. He always made things better and made sure we were together. If he's out, then I'm done for good. If he is questioning our relationship, I'm in serious danger. I'm losing the only one who's ever really taken me in and cared about me. I've been a second choice my whole life until I met Jake and he made me feel wanted. I'll survive, I always do. It just sucks losing your rock. He wants me to be better, but keeps fucking around. It feels like what he really means is that he wants me to sit down and take whatever shit he does and that when I get mad, I'm crazy and he won't put up with it anymore. Do you know what would help though? If Jake were just honest and actually talked to me. If I didn't have to find out who he's with and what he's doing from other people. If he recognized everything I did and that I am truly doing my best. If we could go back in time and I could make him treat me the way he's used to. I know, that last one's kind of crazy but I figured since this is all hypothetical shit that's never going to happen, I might as well go all out.

Sincerely,
Alice.

The Perfect Girl

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfNVawIw9TM

Dear Kellsie,

I've finally crossed the line. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to break up with Jake or that I've told him I just don't feel good about our relationship after he's fucked up. This time, however, the tables have turned.

A few days ago I told Jake I didn't want to have sex anymore. He had previously told me that I haven't been understanding or sweet enough and you know what? He was totally right. The dude has finally caught on. I wanted a sexual hiatus because I think it'd make me nicer. Weird, I know, but it's true. I think, when you add sex to the equation, bad things happen. People get more jealous, weird hormones are released, that happy feeling doesn't last forever and what it leaves behind is a hot mess. I thought that if Jake and I stopped having sex for a while, maybe it would help me keep a clear head and be kinder to him. Maybe that's untrue and strange, but I didn't have a whole lot to lose.

Jake called me after I texted him about sex and threatened to break up with me. No, my perfect boyfriend didn't say he wanted to break up because I wouldn't put out; he said it was the only nice thing I did for him and that if I stopped the one good thing I do for him, that he didn't think we should stay together. Again, he was right-well, partially. The thing is, I try to be nice and I think I'm nice to him. I'm typically the one who asks to hang out, even though we go by his schedule. I ask him to come over and go to the library and go to my sorority's events and a bunch of stuff. My way of showing I care is asking to be with him, but that's not how he sees it. He sees it as me not putting an effort in, because I ask him to come to my room, but rarely go to his. He thinks it's an inconvenience to come over all the time. I get that; I just wish I had known that before inviting him all the time.

From my point of view, this is a bit unfair. I mean, how do I come over when he doesn't invite me over? He said I could come over more and do nice things for him, but it's not like I can read his mind. I don't know his schedule by heart so am I just supposed to show up out of the blue and hope he's there? He thinks I don't care because I don't come over, but I think he doesn't care because he never invites me over. He got mad at me for not sleeping over at his room, but he has a roommate ten feet from his head when he sleeps. He wants me to come over, but he likes to have sex, and again, his roommate is ten feet from him. I honestly thought I was being kind and sweet by inviting him over and to go places with me. I guess, as per usual, I'm just not enough.

My relationship with Jake is in serious jeopardy right now if I don't change. He wants me to talk about my feelings and not get mad at him for things like studying with a girl he knows I don't like and lying about it. He wants me to talk about how much I "love" him and to be this sweet perfect girlfriend which, as we all know by now, I can't be. I won't. I don't do long, emotional talks on the phone or in person. I don't do the lovey dovey shit. I don't believe in it being real and I can't make it happen. I don't take compliments well and get uncomfortable when people are nice to me, so how in the hell am I supposed to be all talkative about feelings when I don't want to even acknowledge them at all? So, I guess we're breaking up soon. If not for the reasons mentioned above, then because I don't like ultimatums. I hate playing games and guessing where I stand with Jake. This may be my last post about him. Who knows? Not me, because he won't tell me.

Sincerely,
Alice.

Selfish

Song I wrote to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_aCcG6SjH4

Dear Kellsie,

I know I talk a lot about how I think love is bullshit, but then why do I stay with Jake? I think I'm just afraid I won't be able to do any better. I know he can, and I know I'm selfish for holding onto him when I know he'd be so much better off with someone else. Maybe I keep him because I know he can do better, but I don't love him, so I don't care if he's truly happy. He tells me he loves me, and I lie and say it back, but I don't think I mean it.

This sounds weird, but I don't think any other man can handle me. Even Jake struggles sometimes, and he's basically a saint for what I put him through. I often think about what my life would look like if I did cut Jake loose. Here's what would probably happen: I would go crazy on the rebound. I'd hook up with a bunch of random frat boys, letting anything slide. I might get into a relationship later on, that is until he figured out how sick I am and decided it was too much for him. Or he'd wonder why I suddenly go radio silent for days at a time and then come back and want to be held and cuddled like nothing ever happened. He'd wonder why I'm so distant at times or why I get sad for no reason. So, we'd break up.

The cycle would repeat until one day, I decided to be done with men for good. I'd adopt a bunch of dogs and work my ass off until I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had all the money a girl could want. I'd have purses and shoes and clothing galore and no one to wear them for, not even myself, because that chick is a crazy bitch. I've spent almost three years with Jake, biding my time and wondering if staying with him is worth it.

Reading over this, I realize I sound like the worst person possible to ever walk the earth. Except Hitler, he was the worst. Oh, and maybe Obama, but that's debatable. Keep in mind, however, that I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. As a result, I shut people out. They can't hurt you if they aren't close enough, right? I put up walls and push people away and hide behind this sarcastic, somewhat harsh facade. I am unable to show love, or maybe feel it, I don't know. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't want the T-shirts or someone to spend time with and cuddle and fuck and get to know. Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I don't want someone to come looking for me. I rely on Jake to rescue me. I have no idea who I am, so I count on him to be a part of my identity. It's fucked, I know that. I just don't care.

Sincerely,
Alice.